By Jon Bauer
President Trump is exchanging love letters with North Korea’s Kim Jong Un, but all we get is a text message telling us that “no action is needed.” So, yeah, we’re feeling a little rejected.
As for the week that wasn’t:
Jersey’s on beneath the robe: Not that kind of bar, judge: Judge Brett Kavanaugh apologized for his raw and acrimonious testimony before the Senate Judicial Committee and admitted he said some things he shouldn’t have. Writing in a commentary in the Wall Street Journal, Kavanaugh said he would strive to be a team player on the Supreme Court.
“You know, like the enforcer on a hockey team; I’d be good at that.”
S.W.A.K.: At a campaign rally in West Virginia, President Trump described his current close relationship with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un: “I was really being tough and so was he,” Trump said. “And we would go back and forth. And then we fell in love. No really. He wrote me beautiful letters. They were great letters. And then we fell in love.”
Heartsick over the news, French President Emmanuel Macron, wrote Trump: “I am, how you say, full of sorrow, Donald. We had so much in common: a love of military parades, and, and, well, I guess just the military parades. But I thought we had something.” Macron then announced his plans to join the French Foreign Legion.
Self-made-up man: The New York Times published a massive story Tuesday that reveals that much of Donald Trump’s wealth came courtesy of gifts from his now-deceased father, transferred to dodge state and federal taxes, debunking Trump’s claim of being a self-made man who built his fortune from a $1 million loan from his father.
And we were worried about claiming lunch at Der Wienerschnitzel the other day as a business deduction.
God bless us, everyone: Amazon announced Tuesday that it planned to raise wages for all 250,000 employees as well as 100,000 seasonal workers to a minimum of $15 an hour, making it the largest company to commit to that level of pay. It’s a significant change by Jeff Bezos, CEO for Amazon, where the current median salary is less than $29,000, slightly above the federal poverty level.
“Make up the fires,” Bezos proclaimed. “And order another coal-scuttle on Amazon before you dot another i, Bob Cratchit.”
I hear Amazon pays pretty good now: The Houston City Council has rebuffed a Canadian company’s plans to open a robot brothel where people would have been able to have sex with “anthropomorphic devices” that resemble humans.
I know the “Star Wars” royalty checks have gotten a little thin, but C-3PO, couldn’t you have decent work in a factory.
Must be from Trump; some of it was in all caps: Nearly all those with cellphones, some 225 million Americans, received a test “Presidential Alert” on Wednesday, a text message preceded by several loud sharp tones, meant to notify the country in the event of a terrorist attack or invasion. The message read: “Presidential Alert. THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed.”
That message was followed by a second: “Had this been an actual Presidential Alert, you would have been instructed to ignore the fake news media, and there would have been at least two misspellings.”
Jon Bauer: firstname.lastname@example.org.