Cash value 1/20th of a cent

What Shakespeare said: An appeals court has upheld a settlement in which Southwest Airlines passengers got free drink vouchers but the lawyers who sued the airline got a cool $1.65 million in cash.

Now, there’s nothing left to do but for the passengers to go ahead and redeem their drink vouchers — and then throw their vodka tonics in the lawyers’ faces.

Awww, the guy who drives the BMW is having a bad day: In an e-mail to 190,000 Starbucks partners employees Monday, CEO Howard Schultz urged them to be extra-nice to customers who may be upset because of turmoil in the stock market.

Alas, most of the partners employees were too busy thinking about things like their overdue rent or the phone call from day care saying their kid just threw up to read Schultz’ memo.

Hold the mayo: The Bill Gates-backed company that makes an eggless fake mayonnaise product called Just Mayo has been told by the feds that it can’t call an eggless fake mayonnaise product Just Mayo.

But hey, Miracle Whip is pretty far from a miracle, and no one’s telling Kraft to change its name.

— Mark Carlson

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