By Carol MacPherson
A new survey says Americans of all political persuasions are stressed out by the presidential election. (Which is more evidence that we really need to shorten our very lengthy election process, for the good of all.)
Anyway, it remains to be seen if the extra stress people are reporting will be reflected in the amount of Halloween candy sales. If we spend more the an the average $625 million a week on candy this month, leading up to the holiday, we just might be self-soothing with sugar and chocolate more than ever. But don’t let it stress you out. We need more sweetness right now, less bitterness. Let’s get goofy with headlines.
“Human DNA tied mostly to single exodus from Africa long ago”: So, can we please all just get along?
“No sex before the big game? Study questions common advice”: Fans have been reassured the practice is OK, as long as you leave yourself enough time to paint your face.
“Tom Brady: ‘I feel better now at 39 than 29”: That claim sounds just a wee bit over-inflated.
“Cash is piling up faster than Warren Buffett can invest it”: Hmm. Is that one them, what do you call, First World problems?
“Passenger who cat called flight attendant kicked off Alaska Airlines flight”: What? Whose cat called a flight attendant? Actually, the headline is supposed to read “catcalled,” or you know, “sexually harassed.”
“Americans skittish about drones delivering their package”s: And we’re not so excited about self-driving cars, either, but naturally, plans plow ahead for both.
“Seattle to Vancouver in 57 minutes? Political leaders push for cross-border high-speed rail”: Hmm. Is that option on the ballot? Can we write it in?
“More American women expect to have children in the future”: Stop the presses! It can’t be!
“Delta considers no-frills seats on international flights to compete with foreign carriers”: No frills? As opposed to the current tricked-out, luxury coach seats? Apparently it’s always possible to design seats with even less room.
“Tech billionaires think we live in the Matrix and have asked scientists to get us out”: Well, so much for free will! It was definitely overrated anyway. And to think we are all just characters in some alien slacker’s video game! Known as “Livin’ in a Simulated Virtual World.” Is it possible the game players are simultaneously playing an inner-galactic drinking game? Would that explain anything around here?
“Alien life may feed off of galactic cosmic rays”: Just dip them in some creamy ranch dressing and even the alien picky eaters love ‘em.
If you find yourself stuck in a Simulated Virtual World this week, try pounding the “escape” key on your computer over and over, just in case.
cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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