By Carol MacPherson
A long-standing regional condition has recently been recognized by medical officials: Seattle Mariners Seasonal Melancholia. The timing of this year’s case is exacerbated by the bye weeks for the Seahawks and Sounders this weekend. Ack. Let’s diagnose the headlines.
“Shhh! Secret confessions with Facebook’s ‘Secret Conversations’”: Oh, the NSA won’t be interested in that at all. Oh, wait, the agency just hit the “like” button.
“New study suggests mother’s may be to blame for OCD”: Pretty sure medical professionals avoid the word “blame” when discussing the origin of a condition. On the other hand, a headline writer is to blame for that errant apostrophe in “mothers,” and use of the word “blame.”
“Skull image of Hurricane Matthew spooks the internet”: During the next census, there’s going to be a new demographic category from which people can choose: People with computers and way, way too much time on their hands.
“Seattle recruiting is so tough one company is giving away Teslas to new hires”: This would be a technology company, naturally. For all other sectors, recruiting is so tough because who can compete with all that stuff?
“China’s plan to take 20 ‘bosses’ and ‘businessmen’ to space on a plane”: Like as a 21st century punishment?
“Why are banks charging such high ATM fees?”: Hmm. Could it be to take, er, make more money? In a legal way. As opposed to opening accounts in customers’ names and charging fees that way.
“Jury: Costco owes Tiffany at least $13.75M over mislabeled rings”: Uh, oh. You know this will spawn civil lawsuits of the “emotional distress” type from people who spent a lot of time showing off their “Tiffany” rings.
“FDA asks public: What is ‘healthy food’?”: And the public answered back, “Uh, isn’t that the your job?”
“Tobacco stocks on fire despite proposed cigarette tax hikes”: Gosh, go figure. Investors have always been attracted to addictive products that make gazillions of dollars.
“Bottle flipping becomes the rage with middle schoolers”: They are trying to flip a plastic bottle of water so that it lands upright. Annoyed parents are complaining and comparing notes on Facebook. One would think the ability of kids to entertain themselves without a phone or electronic device would be a good thing. (And it’s less risky than the adult pastime of flipping houses.)
“Comcast plans to put a new lid on internet service”: Unless, of course, you have the money to pay for unlimited services. So much for the Great Democratizer.
“What would you do with an old Washington state ferry?: Start a commuter service from Everett to Seattle, thank you for asking.
“Amazon women reject civilization, flee back to forest”: Really, can you blame them?
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