Commentary: A wise guy, I come bearing gifts for our leaders

By Jon Bauer / Herald Opinion page editor

With thoughts turned to giving gifts for both Christmas and Hanukkah this week — and looking for an excuse to put off my own shopping until the absolute last minute — I come bearing presents for the following folks:

For Boeing CEO Dennis Muilenburg, who either resigned or was fired following the increasing uncertainty over when Boeing’s 737 Max might win recertification from the Federal Aviation Administration and return to service, I offer this golden parachute. Unlike his and Boeing’s attempts to regain the trust of the FAA, its airline customers and the flying public, we trust that Muilenburg’s parachute will work as intended; it ought to, as he packed it himself.

For Sound Transit and its leaders, who announced they planned to again press state lawmakers to change the law on how car tab license fees are calculated, replacing an old vehicle depreciation schedule meant to generate revenue for its light rail projects, I gift-wrapped a time machine — set to before the past three legislative sessions — when such a change might have cut into the arguments of Tim Eyman’s Initiative 976 and headed off its passage. And a louder megaphone to make their case to legislators.

For Tim Eyman, who topped off an eventful year — that included a win for his I-976 and a settlement that avoided charges of theft for wheeling a chair out of an office supply store — with the announcement that he was running for governor, I present an executive model office chair. I even got out my label maker and affixed a self-adhesive strip that reads: “His Excellency.”

For Gov. Jay Inslee, who ended a brief run for the Democratic nomination for president in August after urging discussion among candidates of the need to address climate change, I offer his inclusion on President Buttigieg’s short list for Environmental Protection Agency director.

For state Rep. Matt Shea, R-Spokane Valley, who insisted he would not resign even after he was suspended from the House Republican Caucus and stripped of his committee assignments, his office and use of staff after an investigation outlined his role in acts of domestic terrorism, I bestow upon him citizenship in his long-sought-after 51st State of Liberty. But because I’m on a tight budget this year, rather than including all of Eastern Washington in its boundaries, Shea’s State of Liberty can be found in rental space next to Liberty Tax Service in Spokane Valley.

For Christianity Today, the evangelical magazine that last week published an editorial that advised fellow Christians against political expediency in excusing the “profoundly immoral” actions of President Trump, I present membership in President Trump’s Failing Media Outlet of the Month Club, whose members include The Washington Post, The New York Times and other publications that now enjoy a boom in new subscriptions.

For Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky, who will determine the shape of a Senate trial considering the articles of impeachment against President Trump and who declared he was “not at all impartial” on impeachment, I offer a box-set of “Law & Order” DVDs that he can watch on his laptop during Senate hearings, since there’s no sense in his paying attention to the impeachment hearings.

For House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-California, who is now holding on to the articles of impeachment as leverage to win McConnell’s agreement to seat witnesses that Democrats want called during the Senate trial, I offer a Jedi Master robe, a light saber and a copy of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s “Jedi Mind Tricks to Win Friends and Influence Imperial Senate Leaders.”

And for President Trump, who is almost certain to be acquitted by the Senate and remain in office — at least for a few more months — I present this plaque — to hang next to the presidential seal — of an asterisk. Gold-plated, of course.