Let’s not keep the headlines waiting.
“Marriage of newlyweds, ages 96 and 95, questioned”: Naturally, it’s being questioned by a “concerned” relative, who is, according to her lawyer, worried “…that the wedding occurred without other family members’ knowledge, and that it complicated the matter of how to eventually distribute Hill’s estate, which includes property on the edge of Old Town Alexandria, worth about $475,000.”
Well, there you go. At least the concerned party isn’t pretending it’s about her grandmother’s happiness and welfare.
“Grateful Seahawks fan thanks unknown stranger”: As opposed to a known stranger?
“FHA to ban practice of charging interest after debt is paid off”: Gosh, how nice of them to agree to stop an inherently unfair practice, which has cost consumers hundreds of millions of dollars, after a decade of pressure from consumer groups to do so. And we wonder why “millennials” are wary of “entering the real estate market.”
“Coffee stands raked in millions through sex trade, prosecutors say”: If only Everett had been able to collect the sales tax, then a portion could be put to a dedicated use, like funding the library’s bookmobile. (Which would not be called the Java Juggs Book Buggy.)
“Over 90% of kids exceed recommended sodium intake”: Researchers were alerted to the problem after parents reported a growing and alarming new phenomena occurring across the country — deer coming up and licking their children.
“Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake are now using their bromance to sell iPhones”: It’s surprising that Apple feels the need to buy any advertising at all, given the constant, ubiquitous, daily, free “news” coverage of everything and anything “i-related” by a very reverent media.
“U2 drops surprise album at Apple unveiling”: How duly corporate of them. Let’s retort with another headline: “Rock is dead, says Gene Simmons.”
“?‘Fat shaming’ does not help people lose weight, study finds”: Really? They had to study that? Because shame has been such a spectacular motivator for behavioral change in other arenas? Good grief.
“Redskins owner announces support of Roger Goodell”: Ooh, what a sterling endorsement from one member of the “Just Doesn’t Get It” community to another.
“Digital First media may sell its newspapers”: Given its name, that would seem to make sense. But such “magical” thinking always manages to ignore where the original content for their digital sites came from in the first place … which would be newspapers.
“Scots are selling their independence votes on eBay”: Well, what’s wrong with supplying a little more lore to their legendary, um, thriftiness?
Will you wear your traditional status quo or your independence kilt this week?
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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