Do not adjust your television

A group of scientists has discovered that Abraham Lincoln’s face was unusually lopsided. The scientists, who appear to have had a lot of free time to burn, made the breakthrough using laser scans of masks made from the 16th president’s face. Next, they plan an exhaustive study of whether the Mona Lisa was really smiling, or just suffering from a severe lack of symmetry.

Flocks of geese have taken a liking to the soccer fields at Gonzaga University, creating a safety hazard for athletes. “They’ve got goose poop all over their shoes and knees. They slide on it,” said university spokesman Dale Goodwin. Should the problems with goose droppings continue, soccer games at the school could become the first to be called on account of fowl conditions.

If you ever wanted to learn how a TV show is produced, today’s your chance. According to Our Towns, C-SPAN’s mobile production studio is stopping in Everett as part of a tour to promote its “Book TV” program. Better get there early, though — you might have to stand in line behind several other people.

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