Recently had a few moments to myself and got to wondering …
If reinstating manners and courtesy as mainstays of society would be such a bad thing now that we’ve become familiar with the results of their absence?
If certain individuals will ever understand that car stereos can be played at a volume other than “rattle fillings”?
Why, when we keep forcing sexuality on kids at ever-younger ages, we get bug-eyed with astonishment when they act on what we’ve given them to work with?
If any slice of toast has ever landed buttered-side up?
If anyone can name a “rap song” that’ll be remembered fondly in fifty years? If you can, could you hum me a few bars?
If the real punishment for the recent unpleasantness in the Garden of Eden was having everything that’s good for us taste horrible and everything that’s bad for us taste great?
If we’ll ever regain the backbone to tell our kids “No” and mean it? (Note to parents everywhere: The perfectly acceptable answer to the question “Why not?” is still: “Because we said so.”)
When it will dawn on us that “Hate Speech” is separated from the even more frightening “Hate Thought” by but one very small step? We might want to ask who gets to define it before we go any farther down this path.
What persuaded any medical student on earth to become a proctologist?
If, given the way they both spend our money, there’s any real difference in this one arena between Democans and Republicrats?
When we’ll relearn the fact that love and stability in the home would solve many of the problems we’re having with kids nowadays?
If the Census Bureau would come unglued if we all wrote “Human” in the block that asks for race?
If “druggies” looking for new ways to get “high” have ever thought of taking a ride in an acrobatic airplane and doing an inverted spin? The good news: It costs less, reduces the wear and tear on society, and, when you “come down” your brain cells are still usable. The bad news: You get to clean the cockpit.
If, when tested, any of our elected representatives could score 50 percent or better on our current tax code? (An interesting idea would be to delete from the code any section that any member of Congress answered incorrectly.)
Why we’re surprised to learn that “bad” is the adjective best used to describe what we get when we allow television and Hollywood to be the arbiters of taste in society? (See: Janet Jackson and the Super Bowl.)
If the real reason many people want the Ten Commandments removed from sight is that being reminded of what’s expected of us is downright uncomfortable?
When we’ll finally listen to the guy who once said that government programs are very much like elephants mating? There’s a lot of noise and commotion to start things off. Anyone or anything nearby is likely to get trampled in the process. And tangible results – if any – are a long way off in the future.
If we could make a cop’s job easier by saying to the bad guys: “When the number of pages in your arrest record roughly equals the number of pages in the sports section, we’re firing up ‘Old Sparky’.”
If researchers understand that cell phones do cause brain damage and that such damage is demonstrated daily by the way cell phone users drive while using them?
If all parents go to bed every night counting the days until their kids are grown and gone and, later – after they’ve left – count the days until they come to visit?
If teenagers who use the family car will ever learn that the gas tank occasionally needs to be filled – especially when the gauge is a quarter inch below “E”?
If today’s medical students realize that tattoo removal will be the big money field of the future?
If there’s ever been a more haunting song written than the original “Theme to Moulin Rouge”?
If the members of my generation (Baby Boomers) will ever accept the fact that no matter how many face lifts, butt lifts, tummy tucks, eye jobs, nose jobs, boob jobs, lip jobs, botox injections, hair implants, or Viagra pills we take, we ain’t ever gonna look or feel 20 again?
And, finally:
If it would bother anyone to know that most of us dog owners allow our pets to “pre-wash” the dishes after dinner?
Larry Simoneaux is a freelance writer living in Edmonds. Comments can be sent to larrysim@att.net.
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