Games getting in the way of real tourney

Trying to watch a basketball game during the NCAA’s Tournament of Commercials is a little bit maddening. But’s it all about the money. They don’t even try to pretend otherwise any more. (Otherwise, unlucky teams wouldn’t be playing at 11 p.m., in a different time zone.) Let’s play zone against the headlines:

Rats a problem for two downtown Bellevue businesses”: How is this possible, given Bellevue’s “no-rats” covenant? On the other hand, name another city of more than 100,000 people that has its rat problem narrowed down to two businesses…

Lazy seal can’t stay away from its favorite Irish seafood restaurant”: Well, if the people at the restaurant keep feeding the seal, it would seem he/she is more smart than lazy.

Hamas burns 15 tons of Snickers bars following recall”: Snickers, however, was not going to let the event go to waste. It filmed the proceedings and added the tagline: “You’re just not your militant self when you’re hungry.”

Urban Meyer endorses John Kasich ahead of Ohio primary”: Why would a football coach at a pubic university endorse a presidential candidate? Turns out, reports syndicated columnist David Sirota, a board controlled by Gov. Kasich’s appointees gave a multi-million-dollar contract to the Ohio State University football coach in the lead up to Meyer now appearing in a new endorsement video for Kasich’s presidential campaign. This is a perfect illustration of the idiom, “One hand washes another.” And makes the rest of us want to wash ours.

The real March Madness is how much the coaches make per win”: (And how much the NCAA President, Mark Emmert, makes per year. Around $1.8 million.) It’s especially egregious because the NCAA makes such a big deal about how the athletes aren’t compensated financially. Like somehow the money the athletes could make should be given to the coaches instead. Indeed, “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.”

The American buffet restaurant is floundering”: They just need to rename them (or “rebrand” in business-speak); for example, The American Endless Small Plates, Except They’re Big. Something catchy like that.

Poll: Most Americans haven’t directly benefited from Obamacare”: Might that be because most Americans don’t need and/or are not on Obamacare?

Group petitioning to create J.P. Patches license plate”: This is a more subtle way for people to announce “I’m a Washington (or Seattle) Native” than putting one of those bumper stickers or license plate holders announcing the same on their car. But it’s all for good: Proceeds will go the Seattle Children’s Hospital, where Chris Wedes (J.P.) and Bob Newman (Gertrude) donated much time and money.

New image for Kyle Seager, the return of Edgar in Mariners’ 2016 commercials”: Makes sense. Because Edgar, as the team’s hitting coach definitely “has a little project…”

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