Did you forget to get Presidents’ Day presents? That’s OK. This is the holiday where’s it appropriate to simply hand over some cash. (If it’s a penny for your thoughts, keep thinking.) We cannot tell a lie, we like to cherry-pick the headlines:
•“Growth stalls, falls for largest U.S. churches”: So reports the National Council of Churches. Which quite likely explains this news: “Start-up Indiana church uses sex to sell message.”
“Casey’s sues Subway over rights to ‘footlong’”: They are suing because Subway was ready to sue, saying it owns the “word” “footlong” much like McDonalds believes no other restaurant in the world should be able to use the prefix “Mc.” The frivolous lawsuit never fails to cause indigestion.
It was none other than President Abraham Lincoln who said: “Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. As a peacemaker the lawyer has superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough.”
•“For car cassette decks, play time is over”: The last new car to be factory-equipped with a cassette deck in the dashboard was a 2010 Lexus, the New York Times reported. There will be no nostalgia.
The biggest and most consistent problem with car cassette decks is demonic possession. There is no other explanation for the sudden screeching and spinning, the twisting and vomiting out of yards of your favorite, lovingly made road-trip compilation tape.
•“Catholic Church endorses an iPhone confession app’: This is perfect for the growing number of electronic sins: Tweeting with malice. Status envy. Prideful texts. Coveting your neighbor’s iPad. Unfriending your father and mother. Googling impure thoughts. Of course, talking on your phone while driving is a mortal sin. Talking back sarcastically to the GPS “rerouting course; take next available legal u-turn” lady is just a venial sin.
“Winter can chill, warm up sex lives’: This a dumb story from a dumb poll that says many people get depressed in winter and are more likely to wear less clothes in the summer.
There’s a local gem at the end of the Associated Press article, however. Jessie Oettinger, 28, a Berkeley College student, said she noticed a big difference in her outlook when she moved to California from rainy Seattle, where she said the weather “makes life pretty depressing.”
“I just feel happier,” she said.
But then Oettinger clammed up, confessing: “I don’t want a bunch of people moving to California just because it’s nice here.”
And that, to anyone who remembers “Lesser Seattle,” is what is known as coming full circle.
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