Associate justice sought to replace retiring John Paul Stevens on nation’s highest court. Join nine-person team that decides nation’s toughest questions. Job comes with lifetime guarantee and fashionable black robe.
Ideal candidate will be able to sit on bench four to five decades. Ability to answer inane questions from senators desired. Utter lack of discernible political views preferred (wink-wink). Inquire at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington, D.C.
Spectators sought for Civil War re-enactment. Blues seek fans for attempt to extend 145-year winning streak.
Fans also sought for Grays. Ability to support a hopeless cause desired; Seattle sports fans strongly encouraged to apply.
Buyers sought for used “Star Trek” memorabilia. Parts of former Las Vegas attraction for sale include replica USS Enterprise and full-size Borg alcove.
Qualifications: degree in quantum physics; familiarity with time-space continuum; memorization of Season 3, Episode 26. Ability to speak fluent Klingon desired.
Price: Negotiable.
Resistance: Futile.
— Doug Parry, Herald staff
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