Karl Rove is perfect in every way

  • Rick Horowitz / Syndicated Columnist
  • Saturday, July 16, 2005 9:00pm
  • Opinion

“OK, let’s settle down, OK? If everybody will just find a seat, we’ll – “

“Does it matter where we sit?”

“Absolutely not – every seat is just as good as every other seat. Now, if you’ll all settle down … excellent! So let’s – “

“Even the corner seats?”

“Even the corner seats. OK, so let’s get started. I call to order this emergency meeting of The People Who Still Believe Karl Rove Had Nothing To Do With It. Under the circumstances, I suggest we dispense with the reading of the minutes of the last meeting and get right down to business. Mitch, can you give us a quick summary of the treasurer’s report?”

“In a nutshell, Mr. Chairman, membership for this quarter is down 22 percent – “

“Doubters. Who needs ‘em?”

”- so dues for this quarter are also down 22 percent. Expenses are up 10 percent – that’s mostly phone trees and petition drives. Total cash on hand is down by almost a third.”

“So in other words, we’re right where we want to be?”

“Couldn’t be better!”

“Thanks, Mitch. Great report! OK, so let’s go to New Business – Kelly’s got a resolution for us. Kelly?”

“It’s kind of a sense of the membership thing I – anyway: ‘We the undersigned express our unshakeable belief in the goodness of Karl Rove, and in his complete and total innocence of any and all allegations made against him by his political enemies who are just jealous of his relationship with the president and would say anything to try to bring him down.’”

“Move that we adopt the resolution.”


“The floor’s open for discussion. Let me say first of all, you all know why we’re here: Once again, Karl Rove has been accused of acting improperly on President Bush’s behalf. This time, it has something to do with that CIA agent – they’re saying Karl Rove revealed her identity to get back at her husband.”

“Well, the guy criticized the president’s Iraq policy, didn’t he?”

“True. So he should have expected he’d get clobbered. Or at least his family would. But the important thing is that Karl Rove had nothing to do with it.”


“And that’s because … ?”

“Because Karl Rove wouldn’t do that sort of thing!”

“Exactly! Because … ?”

“Because Karl Rove always plays fair and square!”

“Exactly! And also because … ?”

“Because Karl Rove knows this president wouldn’t stand for it!”


“Just like he wouldn’t stand for Karl Rove having anything to do with those Swift Boat ads against Kerry.”

“Which we all know he didn’t have anything to do with.”

“And just like he wouldn’t stand for Karl Rove having anything to do with spreading all those rumors about McCain back in the 2000 campaign.”

“Which we also all know he didn’t have anything to do with. The president would never hire a guy who was capable of that kind of stuff – “

“Even if it helped him politically.”

“Especially if it helped him politically! Everybody knows this president would rather lose than win that way.”

“Call the question, Mr. Chairman.”

“The vote is on Kelly’s resolution. Show of hands in favor? Opposed? It’s unanimous. Thanks, Kelly – we’ll get it posted as soon as we’re done, which I think we are.”

“Mr. Chairman, I move that we adjourn.”

“Show of hands in favor? Great work, people – thanks for coming! Have a good – “

“Refreshments, Mr. Chairman.”

“Oh, I almost forgot! Refreshments are on the back table, same as always.”


“Same as always.”

Rick Horowitz is a nationally syndicated columnist. Contact him by writing to rickhoro@execpc.com.

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