Let the cooing begin

The Atlanta Zoo on Saturday welcomed its newest addition, a baby panda. People can watch the mother and cub on the zoo’s Panda Cam, much to the dismay of economic officials worried about the effect of panda adoration on worker productivity.*

A seminar on the proper way to fire someone, titled “The Thoughtful Termination: A Pre-Termination Checklist,” is being held Sept. 9. A few suggestions that may not have made the list:

  • Overcome the desire to pay Donald Trump to say “You’re fired!” for you.
  • If the employee asks why they’re being fired, do not respond, “Because I’m the Terminator.”
  • Avoid hiring employees who might be tempted to watch the Panda Cam.

    Followers of the ancient religion of Greece held a protest prayer at the Acropolis in Athens on Sunday, asking the goddess Athena to prevent the removal of artifacts to modern museums. A high priestess at the event said it was no coincidence that rainfall started and ended at the same time as the ceremony.

    Here in the Northwest, people would be more impressed if someone could make the sun come out.

    * To further promote procrastination, we suggest this video examining what happens when a baby panda sneezes in a quiet room. It may be the best 16 seconds of your day.

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