Middle-of-the-road PBS doesn’t have to be a bore

Because I am a simple man, I have but one simple question: If PBS is as politically balanced as Bill Moyers says it is, why, then, are only liberal Americans objecting to impending changes at the network? I mean every far-left crank in town is in a frenzy over a couple of Republicans moving into management positions. After decades of liberal leadership, isn’t it fair to give some conservatives a shot? After all, the tax dollars of right-wing Americans also pour into the Public Broadcasting trough. So, hey, let’s be fair about things.

Of course, there is a chance that the conservatives will not be fair and will turn Elmo into a contributor to Tom DeLay’s travel fund. That would be tragic and should be prevented at all costs. So I have come up with some new PBS programming designed to heal all partisan wounds. Here is what the upcoming fall PBS lineup should look like:

“Tax the Rich” is a news-analysis program hosted by Rep. Bernie Sanders, the socialist from Vermont. Each week, Sanders and his panel of regular folks from Cambridge, Berkeley and Seattle will select one wealthy American and take all his stuff. The panel will then decide which other Americans should get said stuff and why. This program would also be broadcast from Havana, Cuba, on special occasions.

“Santorum’s Sanitarium” will be hosted by Rick Santorum, the conservative senator from Pennsylvania. It will focus mainly on the latest word from God about American policy. The Deity will weigh in each week with solutions to complex problems and communicate through the senator, who will occasionally speak in tongues.

“The Gay Newlywed Game” will star Rep. Barney Frank and be broadcast from Provincetown, Mass. Each week, the editors of The New York Times will select a panel of lucky homosexual, bisexual or transgender couples from the hundreds of articles The Times has done on these alternative lifestyles over the past few years. Barney will ask the couples questions about each other but try to avoid the double entendres that made the straight “Newlywed Game” so tacky. After all, this is PBS.

“Savage Behavior” is a confrontational hour where radio talk show host Michael Savage plans the nuclear destruction of America’s enemies. Each week, another annoying nation is vaporized using the latest high-tech computer graphics and simulated skin meltdowns. This one is a ratings lock. Provocative talk, awesome destruction and unlimited savagery make the program a can’t-miss hour of TV viewing.

“The Streisand Factor” features the singer/political scientist making a rare television appearance. Babs will fill us in on her latest “war on terror” strategies, macro-economic suggestions and secular-progressive fantasies. There’s high-power star wattage here as Barbra brings us out left-wing pals like Whoopi Goldberg and Robert Redford to dish national security and massive entitlement spending. She’ll also make reference to her friendship with Bill Clinton but avoid the touchy Hillary “issue.”

And finally, “The Conundrum with Moyers and Liddy” features those zany ideologues Bill Moyers and G. Gordon Liddy debating the latest issues and zinging each other with good-humored barbs. Moyers hammers home his philosophy that President Bush is the antichrist and also demands the chief executive actually undergo an exorcism even if that does violate separation of church and state. Liddy will do the program armed and, at least once during the hour, will burn his hand in an open flame without flinching. He may also, on occasion, call Moyers “fey.”

So there you have it, the new PBS where all Americans can be equally offended. Can’t wait to see it.

Bill O’Reilly can be reached by writing 5777 West Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045, attn: Bill O’Reilly.