“If he did that, I guess we’ll have to compare IQ tests. And I can tell you who is going to win.”
— President Trump, in Forbes magazine, on the widely confirmed report that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called the president a “moron.”
The setting: The Oval Office
The date: Later this week
CIA officer: Mr. President, I’m here from the Central Intelligence Agency.
Trump: Mike Pence is down the hall. I don’t like intelligence briefings.
CIA officer: No, sir, this isn’t an intelligence briefing. I’m here to administer an intelligence test.
Trump: Don’t waste your time. I get an A-plus grade on all tests, and I will on this test, too, unless it’s rigged.
CIA officer: Well, sir, I don’t want to make you nervous, but Secretary Tillerson was found to have an extremely high IQ when we tested him.
Trump: Tillerson intelligent? You are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction.
CIA officer: Very funny, sir. First, I’m going to test your pattern recognition. I will show you five shapes and you tell me which one doesn’t belong.
Trump: Bob Corker.
CIA officer: But sir, I haven’t shown you the shapes yet.
Trump: I don’t care. Corker doesn’t belong. Everybody knows it’s true, except the fake-news media.
CIA officer: [Exhales.] Let’s try this a different way. I will show you four sets of four numbers, and you will tell me which is the odd one out.
Trump: Tom Price.
CIA officer: But sir …
Trump: Good guy. But very odd. He’s out. [Trump clicks remote, Fox News plays on screen.]
CIA officer: [Taps foot.] Let’s try completing verbal analogies. Isobar is to pressure as …
CIA officer : That’s not one of the …
Trump: We did a great job. And we weren’t treated fairly by the media. I sometimes ask myself, how did I ever get here with the horrible unfair publicity? There was love in Puerto Rico for the fact that I went there.
CIA officer: [Perspiring.] Maybe we should try the math portion of the test. If a rocket is traveling to the east at five miles per second, and a second rocket …
Trump: It won’t happen. I will rain fire and fury on Rocket Man the likes of which the world has never seen.
CIA officer: Let’s put this in terms you’re more familiar with. If 500 people can build a building in 160 days, how long will it take 200 people to build the same building?
Trump: I can do it in one-third of the time for half the budget and it will be the most beautiful building you ever saw.
CIA officer: [Checks watch.] There are four seats together at a football game. John sits next to Joe but not next to Bob. If Bob doesn’t sit next to Mike, who is sitting next to Mike?
Trump: Nobody, because I told him to leave after the national anthem.
CIA officer: A man has 63 socks in his drawer. How many …
Trump: I have more. I have the best socks. [Trump picks up phone and begins scanning Breitbart.com.]
CIA officer: [Rolls eyes.] Mr. President, please look at this diagram. If in each turn the red diamond moves two places counterclockwise and the black spade moves three places clockwise, after how many turns will both shapes be together?
Trump: [Stares dumfounded at diagram.]
CIA officer: Maybe a letter puzzle would be easier? In this drawing, Mr. President, which letter is directly above the letter that is three letters to the right of the letter that is directly underneath the letter M?
Trump: [Presses button on desk.] Ivanka, can you come in here? Right now?
CIA officer: [Pulling out clumps of his hair.] Moving on to anagrams. The letters found in the words “towering stud” can be rearranged into what common phrase found on U.S. currency?
Trump: President Trump?
CIA officer: Actually, we were looking for “In God We Trust.” I think you’ll like this next one, though. Steve usually beats George at golf but loses to Donald. Tom wins most of the time against George, and sometimes against Steve, but cannot beat Donald. Who is the worst player?
Trump: Hillary? No, wait! Jeff Sessions? No! Jemele Hill? No! Mitch McConnell? No, wait!
CIA officer: Thank you, Mr. President. We’ll give the results to Vice President Pence at tomorrow’s intelligence briefing.
Follow Dana Milbank on Twitter, @Milbank.