No, not year of the ‘cougar’

Today marks the Chinese Lunar New Year, so happy Year of the Dragon. Be powerful without resorting to breathing fire. Let’s roar through some headlines.

•”China’s number of Web users hits 513 million”: And Chinese officials manage to keep track of every single one.

Workers hog company bandwith by playing on Facebook, Zynga”: Just remember that the next time you read a story about Americans who work so hard they never even use up their vacation time.

Driver avoids squirrel, hits tree”: She succeeded in knocking a bunch of nuts loose, but then forgot where she buried them.

Squirrel No. 1: “What goes around comes around?”

Squirrel No. 2: “What’s that Darwin award thing?”

Squirrel No. 3: “No wonder we took up flying.”

•”Illinois man in joking mood despite nail in brain”: Dante Autullo was feeling so jolly about his initially unrecognized, self-inflicted accident that he posted a picture the X-ray on Facebook during his ambulance ride between hospitals for surgery.

(Status update: Nail removed from head. Nail to be made into sentimental necklace. Man expected to be more careful with nailgun.)

•”School can’t call team Cougars because it offends some women”: Some school district officials rejected the proposed nickname, voted on by future students, for the new Corner Canyon High School in Draper, Utah, due to open next year, because the slang connotation that “Cougar” refers to a sexually aggressive “older” woman, and is therefore offensive.

Other officials pointed out that the new public school’s colors (navy, white and silver) and nickname would be the same as Brigham Young University’s.

At the risk of offending Cougars, or someone, the silly first explanation was probably offered because it’s actually politically smarter and expedient than publicly harping on the blurring of church/state schools in Utah, something not mentioned in the second explanation about BYU, but implied.

It was then decided the school’s mascot shall be the “Chargers.” Sure, why not? Ambiguity never offended anyone.

•”Study: Sex poses surprisingly low risk to heart patients”: Yes, we tripped over that “poses,” too.

Evidence found for oldest popcorn in South America”: It was discovered in an ancient theater lobby in Peru, next to the oldest hot dog in the world.

“Fitz and the Tantrums: Soul at the Showbox”: Do some musicians derive the greatest satisfaction not from composing or singing, but from dreaming up band names?

Fort Wayne Mad Ants hire Christian Laettner as assistant coach”: Now there’s a mascot.

Mad Ants, Tantrums and Dragons, oh my.

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