Employ the phrase “Whoa, take ‘er easy there, Pilgrim” as many times and in as many situations as you like this week. Let’s dish up some headlines:
•”High-paying UW ‘sexology’ study ad bogus, police warn”: Fliers around the university offered students $400 to $650 for participation in the “study.” Well, students, chalk it up to a learning moment. If it sounds too good to be true…
•”Shoe gadget tracks performance”: Designed to work with specially designed Adidas soccer shoes, the gadget fits inside the shoe’s outer sole, USA Today reported. As a person runs, it measures speed, distance and time, even with direction changes. It can track a person’s average speed, maximum speed and can count the number of steps and strides taken.
Well, unless it counts goals scored (flashing brilliantly when doing so and issuing a “gooaallllllll” sound), it’s not really tracking “performance” is it?
•”New data reveals black hole’s secrets”: Not even the astronomy world is safe from Homeland Security’s leap into the privacy breach.
•”Professor refuses to teach if students don’t bring snacks”: Nothing says rigorous intellectual study like graham crackers and milk. And any student who forgets his or her nap mat is required to do extra credit, like attending a shoe-tying seminar.
•”Surprised? EPA issues unpopular news on Fridays”: No, it’s not surprising, since every agency, itty bitty local to federal, does the same thing. It spawns from the human resources maxim that dictates that if someone is to be fired, do it on a Friday.
•”Angie’s List stock soars in first trading day”: Out of curiosity, where does one read unbiased reviews of Angie’s List?
•”Martha Stewart: How to turn corn husks into a festive wreath”: Never mind insider trading, it’s a crime to imply it’s a good thing for anyone but Martha Stewart to buy empty corn husks, dye them with a liquid dye (a rich burgundy shade), and form them, husk by husk, into a “wreath.” (Wearing rubber gloves to avoid staining one’s hands, one is simply to: “Tear husks in half lengthwise along their natural striation. Working in rows and overlapping as you go, loop each husk and anchor its ends to the wreath with a U pin.”) Good times.
•”No ‘Sex,’ please: Ohio courthouse bans poster”: After a complaint, Tuscarawas County commissioners ordered the removal of posters advertising a local production of the play “No Sex, Please, We’re British.” (The play is about a couple dealing with a flood of pornography going into their apartment.)
Naturally, the title has been changed to “No Sex, or Irony, Please, We’re Tuscarawas County.”
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