Let’s rake the headlines into a pile and jump in:
“Heartbroken woman spends a week at KFC after a bad breakup”: The 24-year-old Chinese woman said she just wanted some chicken wings, and time to think before returning to her apartment, which was “full of memories of him.” She stayed, however, called in sick to work and ordered more chicken wings and extra large orders of fries.
Poor girl. Of course the original recipe for mending a broken heart at KFC calls for a whole bucket of chicken wings, extra large orders of mashed potatoes and gravy, and the biscuits or cornbread with butter and honey. And go ahead and take it to go. Nothing vanquishes the ghost of a lost love in an apartment like the greasy spell cast by a bucket o’ chicken. It cuts the recovery time in half, even if doubles the risk for heart disease.
“Neil Diamond is still inspired by love”: With a new album, and concert tour on tap, the 72-year-old singer no doubt finds his average concert ticket price of $262.32 to be fairly inspirational, as well.
“Google working on pill that searches for illnesses”: They’re almost done, but are still trying to find a way to keep the pill’s time-release pop-up ads from puncturing vital organs.
“Reliability survey: Infotainment ‘plagues’ new cars”: And a buggy or unreliable touchscreen or phone probably contributes to an even more dangerous driver than one with a working “infotainment” system. It adds rage on top of distraction. Yikes.
“Supercookies are tracking +100 million cell users, but are any privacy laws being violated?” Privacy? Laughing out loud, for those of us who like to spell out our text lexicon. But mmm Supercookies sound good. Look, a kitten video!
“Study: Google Glass blocks peripheral vision”: Anyone who has witnessed a person locked into their phone while trying to walk, or push a shopping cart or whatever, knows that the Gadgeteers’ peripheral vision is already completely blocked without the aid of a vision-impairing electronic device made to look like glasses. So watch out, you know, even more.
“Nate Silver: Seahawks not favored to reach playoffs, let alone win Super Bowl”: Really? The same Nate Silver who predicted that Brazil would win the World Cup this past summer? And the one who predicted the Seahawks would make the 2013 Super Bowl?
“Fake classes, inflated grades: Massive UNC scandal included athletes over 2 decades”: Two decades? That’s not a scandal, that’s a well-executed mission statement.
“Sex ‘emerged in ancient Scottish lake’?”: And then stepped into a kilt. The article says scientists believe they have found the “origin of copulation.” Hmm. Wonder which clan takes credit for that?
“NASA finds a hidden blue planet 25,000 light years away”: In the photo, the planet looks heavenly and beautiful, unlike its label: exo-uranus planet. The exoplanet, the article explains, is four times greater than Uranus. And, like Uranus, this exoplanet appears to be both gaseous and icy. And silent but deadly? Sorry. It’s possible that a gene for immaturity may have also emerged from an ancient Scottish lake.
From what ancient bog did your family emerge? Can you trace your roots back to the mud?
cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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