Parker: Forget the election; let’s compare Elvis’ and Hef’s acolytes

By Kathleen Parker

It should surprise no one that this presidential election — the first ever to involve a female nominee from a major party in the top spot — has devolved into a contest of man’s ultimate metaphor.

I’m not referring to a spitting competition, if you’re struggling here.

Rather, the race apparently is to determine which is the worst man on the stage — Bill Clinton or Donald Trump. Never mind that Hillary Clinton is the one running for president.

This historic struggle for dominion over a winning narrative, either one of which would be a losing proposition in a sane world, proves yet again that we dismissed Dr. Freud too soon. And, if I may add a footnote for future discussion, that women have traded their superior powers in pursuit of the lesser distinction of being equal to men.

Would that life were more complicated.

Instead, we are hostage to a comedy.

Shocked, shocked, I tell you, the people were to hear an 11-year-old recording of Trump talking dirty about women. Really? Democrats, who tolerated a president’s abuse of power with an intern and, poor Freud, a cigar that wasn’t just a cigar, couldn’t believe their ears. Republicans couldn’t believe the hypocrisy of Democrats. Tell me if you’ve heard this before.

The revelation that sent Trump supporters scurrying to protect their women’s skirts? The GOP nominee’s bragging to Billy Bush about kissing beautiful women and grabbing their privates, presumably without their consent, because that, young man, is what celebrities get to do!

No news here, folks. But speaking of weird, Republicans previously have been fine with Trump’s racist, xenophobic, and misogynistic comments — but, this p**** business won’t stand.

Meanwhile, poor Billy Bush, whose full name can’t be said too often, has been suspended from his “Today” show job because he played along, laughing at Trump’s absurd statements. Well, of course, he played along. He was a reporter for a Hollywood show at the time and this is what reporters do. They will laugh at just about anything to keep an idiot talking.

But America is rediscovering its virtue, if, as always, selectively. Morning chatterboxes at Fox News remind us, as if we could forget, that Christians believe in redemption and second chances. Trump apologized. Others have said that “actions matter more than words.” While Trump only talked about assaulting women (as far as we know), Clinton did have sexual relations with that woman, consensually, and possibly others who weren’t so inclined.

In either case, outrage is justified — and I won’t defend either man’s behavior. But a little context might be helpful in understanding these two characters.

Trump and Bill were born two months apart in 1946 into a revolutionary culture that soon would embrace a hip-swiveling crooner named Elvis Presley and Hugh Hefner’s Playboy magazine.

Basically, everything you need to know about Bill Clinton and Donald Trump can be found in these two mid-century icons. A fellow Southerner, Clinton saw himself as Elvis. Even now, his face sometimes betrays Elvis’ smoldering glance with the slightly curled lip. Trump, a New York City boy, was Hefner. He collected all the toys of the Playboy lifestyle — boats, planes, cars — the best of everything a gilt-mongering rich boy would seek to glam-up his sex appeal. Mar-a-Lago was his Playboy mansion. All three of his wives have been bunny quality, and Trump Tower isn’t just a tall building.

Of course, he believes that any woman would welcome his kisses. Why wouldn’t Pussy Galore be within his reach?

And then things got weirder.

Trump has dismissed his casual chat with the much-younger Billy Bush as “locker room talk.” Whereupon, offended athletes more recent to the locker room — and to a greater awareness about sexual harassment and rape — decried Trump’s insult to their integrity.

At a “news” conference before the second debate, Trump rounded up three women who shared recollections of their unwanted sexual encounters with Bill Clinton. A fourth woman condemned Hillary Clinton for serving as the court-appointed attorney in defending a man that she accused of raping her when she was 12.

The women flanked Trump, who sat with hands neatly folded on the table, looking as pious as an acolyte about to recite the Apostles’ Creed.

Whether Hillary Clinton’s attempts to contain “bimbo eruptions” are sufficient to undermine her global role in advancing women’s rights will be a tough call only for those to whom Ken Bone’s red sweater is a hero.

As for Elvis and Hef, they are so yesterday. Personally, I never could stand either one.

Kathleen Parker’s email address is kathleenparker@washpost.com.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Opinion

Local artist Gabrielle Abbott with her mural "Grateful Steward" at South Lynnwood Park on Wednesday, April 21, 2021 in Lynnwood, Wash. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Editorial: Earth Day calls for trust in act of planting trees

Even amid others’ actions to claw back past work and progress, there’s hope to fight climate change.

Comment: Conclave result will test Francis’ reforms, legacy

The pope in 12 years packed the College of Cardinals, but few conclaves have ended predictably.

Comment: Tariffs, immigration crackdown likely to hit economy

The efforts are likely to slow job creation while pushing up wages, followed by a rise in inflation.

Brooks: How did we get here? By not bothering to read.

Trading literacy for screen time has cost us — kids and adults — our ability to reason and conclude.

Abrego Garcia must be afforded due process

The Trump administration justifies Kilmer Abrego Garcia’s removal from the U.S. by… Continue reading

toon
Editorial cartoons for Monday, April 21

A sketchy look at the news of the day.… Continue reading

Snohomish County Elections employees check signatures on ballots on Tuesday, Oct. 29, 2024 in Everett , Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Editorial: Trump order, SAVE Act do not serve voters

Trump’s and Congress’ meddling in election law will disenfranchise voters and complicate elections.

Comment: RFK Jr. isn’t interested in finding cause of autism

His laughable five-month timeline and lack of understanding point to an intention to blame vaccines.

Brooks: Trump divides and conquers; we must unite and build

In his isolated attacks, Trump has divided our loyalties. It’s time for a civic and civil uprising.

Harrop: Trump’s war against elite universities is a smokescreen

Washington’s conservatives are enthralled by the Ivies. The ultimatums are simply a distraction.

Stephens: Solving ‘Iran problem’ is about more than the bomb

To eliminate the threat, an agreement must seek an exchange of ‘normal for normal.’ That won’t be easy.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.