By Alexandra Petri
The Washington Post
(Long, protracted sigh.)
Look, if we’re being honest, the state of the union is … not great.
The state of the union is: you know the sensation when you’ve gotten hair in your mouth, and you think you’ve succeeded in removing the hair, but your next swallow makes it apparent that not only have you not removed the hair, but there might also be more hair than you thought? That, but morally.
The state of the union is when your hands smell funny and you don’t know why.
The state of the union is fumbling around in a pocket for change and you touch several small, unidentified sticky objects, but ethically.
The state of the union is your mentions.
The state of the union is when you get on a moving walkway to save time and it turns out to be a stationary walkway.
The state of the union is that of 705 positions to fill, the Trump administration has not even submitted nominees for 149 of them! Instead, every position is filled by someone identified only as the Functionally Acting But We Can’t Use the Term “Acting” Because That Would Have Legal Ramifications, But, Like, You Get It Secretary of the Interior (a Man Who Formerly Worked for a Lobbying Group Dedicated to Destroying the Interior and Replacing It With an Enormous Smokestack).
The state of the union is a nondisclosure agreement for a government employee wrapped in a tax return wrapped in a solid, convincing explanation of all of the expenditures at President Trump’s inauguration.
The state of the union is Minnesota blasted by an icy wind as some idiot, some absolute moron, shouts, “Where’s global warming when you need it?” as a saber-toothed tiger clambers out of a snowdrift and pushes him into the open maw of a glacier.
The state of the union is: We have brought on Dante as a creative consultant to ensure accuracy.
The state of the union is: We are slowly sliding below the dress code of Being a Functioning Democracy, and Freedom House says it will take decades to repair!
The state of the union is, “The president said on Twitter that he wants, if necessary, to build a human wall, because he has decided there is a real emergency at the southern border, undetectable except to the pure in heart and ardent Fox Viewers (though I repeat myself).”
The state of the union is the longest government shutdown in history, just ‘cause.
The state of the union is that the president spends most of his days in Freewheeling Unscheduled Executive Time, and everyone’s response to this news is, “You know what, GOOD, the only thing that would be worse is if you attempted to govern.”
The state of the union is a Super Bowl at which Maroon 5 — I would say “performed,” but the verb is too strong — and the Patriots won a sixth joyless time.
The state of the union is beloved film star Liam Neeson randomly volunteering during an interview that he thought of committing acts of racially motivated violence!
The state of the union is whatever’s happening with the Oscars right now.
The state of the union is rejecting all available expensive expert intelligence in favor of a thought or a dream or a feeling that you had.
The state of the union is Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky, gleefully abdicating any constitutional responsibility to serve as a check on the executive, just ‘cause.
The state of the union is the lingering oily aftertaste of 300 to 1,000 room-temperature hamburgers.
The state of the union is a call for unity during a State of the Union address delivered by Donald Trump.
Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter @petridishes.
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