Good news! I looked out on this field of 22 candidates, some of whom are intelligent, some of whom are even experts, some of whom are young, some of whom are female, some of whom are people of color, some of whom are governors, some of whom are senators, and I thought: It is missing something. What it is missing is myself.
These candidates have many good qualities, but none of them are Bill de Blasio. I know that because I’m Bill de Blasio. And now: I’m running.
Call this announcement a groundhog, because I am going to drop it, and everyone is going to be thrilled, I think.
In response to the clamor of millions of voices crying my name, the word “run” and also the word “don’t” for some reason: Here I am, running! Just as you requested.
I felt that the candidates did not adequately reflect America. America is full of many people who are accomplished, progressive and have plans. People who have done good jobs in their current positions. But America is also full of many men who do not know when their presence is not wanted. Men who see competent women who could do a good job and who decide to insert themselves anyway! Men with gray hair and opinions who are supposed to be doing jobs of their own but have for some reason decided they would not like to! Who will speak for them?
Well, someone else will have to, because I know that I am wanted, competent and doing a great job.
But America is also full of many mayors who do NOT speak Norwegian. Who will speak for them?
People are fascinated by my ideas. That is why the consultants I hired to determine whether I should run said, “America doesn’t deserve this,” then toasted the thoughts I had uttered by downing an entire container of whiskey.
None dare call this hubris! Hubris is the mark of fools who do not realize they are overreaching. I would realize if I were overreaching. Hubris is for people who have vulnerabilities they have not anticipated, but I have anticipated my every vulnerability. If anything were unappealing about me, I would be the first to know. And I don’t know, so I would consider that Q pretty ED.
Whenever people see me walk into a room, they sigh; with relief, that I am here. And, sometimes, they also are holding signs with my name, sometimes followed by an instruction for an action they want me to take, which shows name recognition.
When I speak to people, they flee the room where I am speaking, evidently in haste to implement whatever I have urged. I once held a groundhog, and that groundhog was so moved by the experience of being in my presence that it leapt from my arms (it was not dropped) to go share with its rodent brethren the good news of what it had seen. And it is, I think, alive and well to this day.
People who tell me that no one is clamoring for me to run; they do not hear what I hear. Listen. That is the sound of people clamoring for me to run. Or complaints about the MTA. But probably people clamoring for me to run. In fact, New York City is so sad to see me leave that it is pretending to be sick, creating problems with its public transit system and public housing, just in an effort to get me to stay. Stop malingering, NYC! I know what your game is!
In any case, are you sure they are shouting at me? Are you sure they aren’t shouting with me?
I just want to see myself reflected among the candidates, namely by including myself among the candidates. Someone who shares my history and my understanding of the issues! Someone who, whenever he goes out in public to tease his campaign, is met with throngs of people shouting “Don’t run!” as though he is a child in the pool area! But someone, too, who is not Howard Schultz!
Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter @petridishes.