By Alexandra Petri
The Washington Post
So, you served in the Trump administration! You were the face of a regime that separates families, cozies up to foreign strongmen and is the source of an entire litany of horrors, and you have boldly and baldly bent the truth on its behalf.
You might think, “After such a time, I will never be welcome anywhere, ever again!” but you would be wrong. This is America 2019, so the question is not if, but when! Take this short quiz to find out in what form you’ll be back.
1. How do you feel about your time in the Trump administration?
A. I have no regrets about anything I did.
B. Oh, golly, I try not to dwell on that wacky, wacky time.
C. Well, I got fired.
2. There is a turtle on its back in the desert. You turned it upside down. Why aren’t you helping it?
A. [Drapes cloth over turtle] What turtle?
B. The turtle is not a real American. The turtle deserves it.
C. I’m offended you would presuppose that I ought to help it.
3. What are you most ashamed about from your tenure?
A. Its brevity!
B. Nothing, and frankly you should be ashamed of insinuating that I would be ashamed.
C. No further questions.
Your future:
If you answered A three times: You’re the new host of “Wheel of Fortune.” All the clues are now winking allusions to your time in the administration. You wear a MAGA hat and toss it into the crowd and everyone laughs.
If you answered A, B, A: You appear as a surprise guest on Jimmy Fallon to help him sing about counting!
A, B, C: You are announced as the new Billy Flynn in “Chicago,” and the whole cast immediately resigns in protest. You enlist Jon Voight to help, and the two of you perform the whole show yourselves.
A, C, A: Because of a complicated series of misunderstandings, your first outing is a cameo appearance in what you do not realize until it is too late is a Katy Perry music video.
A, C, B: You write a tell-some book called “OH, YES, YOU’D BETTER BELIEVE IT’S PRETTY DARN BAD,” blurbed by Steve Bannon.
B, A, A: You appear in a My Pillow commercial. “With My Pillow, I can sleep at night even after my involvement in the Trump administration!” This prompts a backlash from ardent Trump supporters, and the ad airs only briefly.
B, A, B: Cast member on “The Real Housewives Of Potomac.”
B, B, B: “The Bachelor”? Weird.
B, C, C: Headline a cruise.
C, A, B: Voice of a reindeer named “Moochie” in a Christian holiday film.
C, A, C: You start an entirely new life of solitude and contemplation under an assumed name and are only revealed when you rescue two children from a burning building and your false beard falls off. The resulting wave of good publicity is immediately canceled out by a wave of bad publicity, and you retire once more to your hermit’s cave.
C, B, B: You start a consulting firm called Oops! I Worked For Trump and charge exorbitant rates for anyone who wants an explanation for the president’s behavior other than, “He is extraordinarily venal and foolish.” You become a multimillionaire.
C, C, C: Still in administration; will never leave.
Any other combination: Fox News contributor. It’s like you never left!
Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter @petridishes.
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