Why I have yet to denounce the president’s racist remarks:
I had a very busy week, and I forgot.
Oh, yes, I am sure I would certainly very loudly denounce them as would my colleagues, but you see I cannot yet, because I died.
Also I don’t know what a tweet is.
Also a big bird flew through the window and scooped up my phone in its beak and dropped it into a river, so even if I was going to, you see now I cannot!
Also I am becoming a bird.
Also CAW! CAW! CAW! NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!
Also I have this condition where if anyone forces me to think hard at all about anything the president has said or done, I start to melt and then catch fire.
Seriously, my whole worldview is hanging by a very fragile thread! Please, nothing further.
Also I am invisible. You cannot see or hear me.
Also I would, but I am not a statesman any more! I spend all my time on John Boehner’s riding mower going around his lawn in slow circles with a martini! You have come to the wrong place, cowboy! I haven’t done that sort of thing for a long time!
Also I made a vow of silence unto the Lord. Oops!
Also, oh, no, I suddenly forgot how to read, so the words in front of me are all meaningless now, little squiggling black worms in milk.
Also there was a power outage somewhere in the country, so out of respect, I could not, absolutely could not, turn on my phone.
Also my phone fell out the window.
Also the Internet, I hear, fell into a lake.
Also I didn’t see you there.
I did denounce him already, surely I did! I am no coward! Did you not see it? Well, it was there! Oh, this racist remark? This new one? No, that was … never mind.
I would have denounced him, but you see, I was attending a rally to express support for his views.
I got stuck.
Out of respect for my wife, I cannot say anything positive about another woman, even a colleague.
I will denounce him, absolutely I’m going to, I swear as soon as I put on my glasses. *Throws glasses out window, steps on them*
I would, but the cat got my tongue and then the cat died STILL STUCK IN THAT POSITION!
Je ne parle pas l’anglais!
I would denounce his comments, but aren’t you the ones always saying his tweets are a scheme to distract you from the real issues?
I would, but I agree with them.
Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter @petridishes.