Petri: Why Republicans haven’t denounced Trump’s racist tweets

What is this Twitter of which you speak? Did something happen? My phone was off. And under my bed.

By Alexandra Petri

The Washington Post

Why I have yet to denounce the president’s racist remarks:

I had a very busy week, and I forgot.

Oh, yes, I am sure I would certainly very loudly denounce them as would my colleagues, but you see I cannot yet, because I died.

Also I don’t know what a tweet is.

Also a big bird flew through the window and scooped up my phone in its beak and dropped it into a river, so even if I was going to, you see now I cannot!

Also I am becoming a bird.


Also I have this condition where if anyone forces me to think hard at all about anything the president has said or done, I start to melt and then catch fire.

Seriously, my whole worldview is hanging by a very fragile thread! Please, nothing further.

Also I am invisible. You cannot see or hear me.

Also I would, but I am not a statesman any more! I spend all my time on John Boehner’s riding mower going around his lawn in slow circles with a martini! You have come to the wrong place, cowboy! I haven’t done that sort of thing for a long time!

Also I made a vow of silence unto the Lord. Oops!

Also, oh, no, I suddenly forgot how to read, so the words in front of me are all meaningless now, little squiggling black worms in milk.

Also there was a power outage somewhere in the country, so out of respect, I could not, absolutely could not, turn on my phone.

Also my phone fell out the window.

Also the Internet, I hear, fell into a lake.

Also I didn’t see you there.

I did denounce him already, surely I did! I am no coward! Did you not see it? Well, it was there! Oh, this racist remark? This new one? No, that was … never mind.

I would have denounced him, but you see, I was attending a rally to express support for his views.

I got stuck.

Out of respect for my wife, I cannot say anything positive about another woman, even a colleague.

I will denounce him, absolutely I’m going to, I swear as soon as I put on my glasses. *Throws glasses out window, steps on them*

I would, but the cat got my tongue and then the cat died STILL STUCK IN THAT POSITION!

Je ne parle pas l’anglais!

I would denounce his comments, but aren’t you the ones always saying his tweets are a scheme to distract you from the real issues?

I would, but I agree with them.

Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter @petridishes.

Talk to us

More in Opinion

Editorial cartoons for Thursday, June 30

A sketchy look at the news of the day.… Continue reading

Joe Kennedy, a former assistant football coach at Bremerton High School in Bremerton, Wash., poses for a photo March 9, 2022, at the school's football field. After losing his coaching job for refusing to stop kneeling in prayer with players and spectators on the field immediately after football games, Kennedy will take his arguments before the U.S. Supreme Court on Monday, April 25, 2022, saying the Bremerton School District violated his First Amendment rights by refusing to let him continue praying at midfield after games. (AP Photo/Ted S. Warren)
Editorial: Court majority weakens church, state separation

The Supreme Court’s 6-3 decision does more to hurt religious liberty than protect a coach’s prayer.

Supreme Court weakens wall between church, state

The Supreme Court definitely got it wrong with regards to the Bremerton… Continue reading

Snohomish tax break for developers shifts burden

City of Snohomish Planning Director Glen Pickus in his Oct. 2, 2018… Continue reading

Comment: Patriot Front arrests in Idaho a reminder of threat

The West has past experience with right-wing extremists. A van full of white men looking to riot should surprise no one.

Comment: The weight of Jan. 6 chairman’s optimistic melancholy

Rep. Bernie Thompson’s measured demeanor set a factual tone for Tuesday’s unsettling testimony.

A pregnant protester is pictured with a message on her shirt in support of abortion rights during a march, Friday, June 24, 2022, in Seattle. The U.S. Supreme Court's decision to end constitutional protections for abortion has cleared the way for states to impose bans and restrictions on abortion — and will set off a series of legal battles. (AP Photo/Stephen Brashear)
Editorial: Court’s decision a subtraction from our rights

Using a cherry-picked history, it limits the rights of women and will extend the reach of poverty.

A Capitol Police Officer rests his hand near his gun as he works by the anti-scaling fencing outside the Supreme Court, Thursday, June 23, 2022, in Washington. (AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin)
Editorial: Tough path for gun legislation becomes less clear

U.S. Supreme Court decision on gun laws clouds hopes for reasonable and effective safety measures.

FILES - Cars line up at a Shell gas station June 17, 2022, in Miami. President Joe Biden on June 22 will call on Congress to suspend the federal gasoline and diesel taxes for three months. It's a move meant to ease financial pressures at the pump that also reveals the political toxicity of high gas prices in an election year. (AP Photo/Marta Lavandier, File)
Editorial: Gas tax holiday could end up costing us even more

President Biden’s request to suspend gas taxes offers little benefit and considerable risk.

Most Read