Petri: Why Republicans haven’t denounced Trump’s racist tweets

What is this Twitter of which you speak? Did something happen? My phone was off. And under my bed.

By Alexandra Petri

The Washington Post

Why I have yet to denounce the president’s racist remarks:

I had a very busy week, and I forgot.

Oh, yes, I am sure I would certainly very loudly denounce them as would my colleagues, but you see I cannot yet, because I died.

Also I don’t know what a tweet is.

Also a big bird flew through the window and scooped up my phone in its beak and dropped it into a river, so even if I was going to, you see now I cannot!

Also I am becoming a bird.

Also CAW! CAW! CAW! NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!

Also I have this condition where if anyone forces me to think hard at all about anything the president has said or done, I start to melt and then catch fire.

Seriously, my whole worldview is hanging by a very fragile thread! Please, nothing further.

Also I am invisible. You cannot see or hear me.

Also I would, but I am not a statesman any more! I spend all my time on John Boehner’s riding mower going around his lawn in slow circles with a martini! You have come to the wrong place, cowboy! I haven’t done that sort of thing for a long time!

Also I made a vow of silence unto the Lord. Oops!

Also, oh, no, I suddenly forgot how to read, so the words in front of me are all meaningless now, little squiggling black worms in milk.

Also there was a power outage somewhere in the country, so out of respect, I could not, absolutely could not, turn on my phone.

Also my phone fell out the window.

Also the Internet, I hear, fell into a lake.

Also I didn’t see you there.

I did denounce him already, surely I did! I am no coward! Did you not see it? Well, it was there! Oh, this racist remark? This new one? No, that was … never mind.

I would have denounced him, but you see, I was attending a rally to express support for his views.

I got stuck.

Out of respect for my wife, I cannot say anything positive about another woman, even a colleague.

I will denounce him, absolutely I’m going to, I swear as soon as I put on my glasses. *Throws glasses out window, steps on them*

I would, but the cat got my tongue and then the cat died STILL STUCK IN THAT POSITION!

Je ne parle pas l’anglais!

I would denounce his comments, but aren’t you the ones always saying his tweets are a scheme to distract you from the real issues?

I would, but I agree with them.

Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter @petridishes.

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