Joy of aging: Simple wisdom comes with it

Having made it into my 60s, I’ve come to undestand or, at least, learned to accept a few things now that I’ve left that little milestone a year or so behind me.

— The really good foods that I used to enjoy, i.e. chili with beans, tacos, pizza, potato chips, fried anything, salted peanuts, etc., now often leave me feeling as if someone’s poured gasoline into my stomach and set a match to it

— Corollary to the above: I now think of Tums as condiments and Pepto Bismol as a soothing refreshment.

— If I stare at a young woman for any length of time — say, more than a second — she’ll likely think I’m a pervert and call the cops. The fact that I’m probably the same age as her (grand)dad has finally sunk in.

— A good sermon from a preacher who can make me understand that going to bat against the devil is a day-to-day event and that most of us are likely to strike out a time or two every week is something that I truly enjoy.

— Having watched what politicians (of any persuasion) do with our money for all these years, I have many more questions to ask whenever I hear that they want to: (a) raise taxes; (b) start a new program of any kind; or (c) grant themselves a pay raise.

— Too, I’ve stopped believing that our elected poohbahs can accurately predict anything. This helps — whenever they get us into another mess — keep my my blood pressure in a range that my doctor considers acceptable.

— I’ve found a prayer that I recommend for all of us who now reside on the backside of 60: “God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the ability to find my glasses so as to be able to tell the difference.”

— Trying to tie my shoes has become something of a challenge in that bending over that far seems to have become a whole lot more difficult than I ever remember it being and — go figure — straightening up can be even more painful than bending over.

— There is, indeed, some truth to the old saying that, if you want to find unconditional love and approval, you’d better get a dog.

— Dealing with women who are close to me has become a lot easier since I finally came to the understanding that we really are two completely different species. Simply accepting that fact makes many situations much more amicable but, usually, never more understandable.

— Do note that women haven’t figured out the male wiring diagram yet, either.

— I’ve learned through hard experience that I’m every bit as capable of doing dumb things as many people think I am. The thing is, I’ve found that almost everyone whom I consider a friend is just as capable of doing the same. It’s called being human and it’s taken this long for me to: (a) admit it; (b) forgive myself and others for being such; and (c) learn to laugh as hard at myself as they do.

— In light of that last, you can actually be pretty highly thought of if you consistently use three simple phrases: (a) “I was wrong;” (b) “I’m sorry;” and (c) “Thank you.” Do note that you have to mean them, though.

— Comfortable cars make a heck of a lot more sense to me now.

— Cutting the grass, cleaning gutters, sweeping the garage, or any other job can, in fact, wait. Napping is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

— I don’t like large groups. I prefer individuals because it’s become pretty clear to me that most people will treat each other decently until you get them formed into a large group. That’s when things start going south. Think Republicans vs. Democrats if you need a current example.

— Finally, I’ve become even more hardened in my often stated belief that when you pick up a cell phone while driving, your car should explode. And, further, when your cell phone rings during a movie, you should explode.

Larry Simoneaux lives in Edmonds. Send comments to larrysim@clearwire.net.