One of the wonderful things about living in these parts is that when it comes to aquatic transportation — from hydroplanes to paddleboards — the myriad choices ensure you can find exactly whatever floats your boat. Let’s windsail through the headlines.
“Seattle has “most handsome men” in the U.S.”: Hmm. Even when factoring in for the Seafair pirates?
“Group ranks Montgomery as most sexually diseased city”: Well, that’s one No. 1 ranking that the Chamber of Commerce won’t be capitalizing on in promotional materials. (However, No. 100, Fort Polk South, Louisiana, might want to brag that it is “the least sexually diseased city with populations of 50,000 or more,” according to this survey. “Come visit!”
“Ohio man must spend two days in jail for petting zoo cougars”: Will the cougars get to visit the man in jail and “pet” him?
“Jeb Bush is meaner than he looks”: (So says the article.) But perhaps that is why he requests that you please refer to him, as his campaign materials do, as just “Jeb!” Using the age-old strategy of trying to make one sound friendlier by replacing a baggage-carrying surname with an exclamation point.
“Unapologetic rich kids share their extravagant lives on Snapchat for the rest of the world to envy”: Isn’t that special? As the spectacularly wealthy Warren Buffett once said, “A very rich person should leave his kids enough to do anything but not enough to do nothing.”
“New Hampshire baby receives lifetime hunting-fishing license”: It’s interesting, in a nature vs. nurture way, how some hobbies and traditions are thrust upon newborns by enthusiastic family members before they can even have a say on the matter.
“Northwest drivers being squeezed out of their cars”: This is a whine about how “solo drivers” are being ignored by transportation officials.
It ignores the fact that as the population continues to grow, the drivers who insist on being “solo drivers” are the very ones “putting the squeeze” on our streets and highways and all the other “solo drivers.” It’s math. There simply isn’t the real estate, aka “land” available to build enough lanes to create the wide open spaces “solo drivers” desire for their commute. Thank goodness for natural, geographic restrictions.
“Drinking may ease fibromyalgia pain; doctors wary”: That is, American doctors are wary of this research from abroad. “What happens in Scottish research stays in Scotland,” the U.S. doctors could have, but did not, say.
“Heat index in Iran hits staggering 163 degrees”: That’s incomprehensible. And an indication that international soccer’s governing body, FIFA, is not just corrupt, but insane, what with the 2022 World Cup scheduled to take place in Qatar.
“For sympathetic ear, more Chinese turn to smartphone program”: China’s version of “Siri” is known as Xiaoice, and young people talk and confide with her daily. Despite assurances otherwise, it’s hard not to imagine that the government is also listening in, with perhaps not quite as much sympathy as Xiaoice.
Use an exclamation point instead of your last name this week.
Carol!: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com.
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