If March roars in like a lion, what lion does it most closely resemble? The cowardly lion? Larry the Lion? The Lion King? Let’s paw through some headlines:
•”Chain to open 24-hour cupcake ATMs”: Yum? Be sure to watch out for cupcake fraud — people dreaming up ways to steal your cupcake PIN number. Also watch out for fees from out-of-network ATM cupcakes. Finally, be sure not to overdraw your cupcake account; the icing fees alone make it a major losing proposition and may hurt your cupcake score.
”Frenchman sues Google over public urination street view pics”: The man was relieving himself in his garden when the picture was snapped. The man has gates around his home and thought he could not be seen; he is seeking 10,000 Euros in damages. The man’s fellow villagers had no problem recognizing him, despite his face being blurred by Google technology, his lawyer said, making him a “laughingstock.”
Seems Google needs to employ full-body blurring technology, some common sense, and respect. Or it should adopt the motto: “Google, following your every move online, and doing our best to catch you in ‘public,’ even if it is on private property.”
•”Hackers had ‘full functional control’ of NASA computers”: Well, that explains the Mars Rover doing donuts and wheelies all over the red planet recently.
”How to watch the Mars close-up this weekend”: Hack NASA’s computers?
”If you’re using ‘Password1,’ change it. Now.”: NASA and other computer experts advise using tough-to-crack passwords, like the name of your children or your pets. Lucky you if you thought ahead and named your kids and pets the same thing.
”Dinosaurs had fleas too — giant ones, fossils show”: That’s why Dino wears a flea collar in the animated documentary, “The Flintstones.”
”Wilt’s record will never be surpassed”: This refers to Chamberlain’s 100-point, record-setting game, not his prolific private life.
”Disney closes controversial childhood obesity exhibit”: The exhibit at Epcot Center was deemed controversial by the National Association of Fat Acceptance, which accused Disney and partner Blue Cross of using “the tool of shame” to stigmatize fat kids. The Interactive Habit Heroes exhibit was closed before it ever really opened, the Orlando Sentinel reported.
Hmmm. Isn’t it the case, however, that the National Association of Fat Acceptance used “the tool of shame” against Disney to shut down the exhibit?
•”Miss Washington’s crown, sash, cash stolen”: So if someone shows up at work today looking a little too regal, simply curtsy, employ “the tool of shame” and inform them their whole coronation was caught on Google’s street view.