If you were proactive (but unpatriotic), and registered yourself and/or your family as a corporation, and established an offshore bank account, you don’t have to worry about the upcoming tax deadline at all. Let’s audit the headlines.
“A top haven for tax cheats that may surprise you: the USA”: Oh. OK. So if you are one of those who has taken care of such trivialities at home, you are also not patriotic, and don’t have to worry about the upcoming tax deadline either.
“Tax havens are cog in global economy, say defenders”: Thank goodness! Of course there had to be a reasonable explanation.
“Bill to make Bible Tennessee’s state book heads to governor” Hmm. Did the lawmakers agree on which version of the Bible, out of hundreds, is the official Bible of the state?
“UW study: People online aren’t as stupid as we think”: Of course the researchers said nothing of the sort, but don’t let the facts get in the way of a snarky headline. What the study found is: Tweets from “official accounts” — the government agencies, emergency responders, media or companies at the center of a fast-moving story — can slow the spread of rumors on Twitter and correct misinformation that’s taken on a life of its own. So, in the case, the media outlet would need to rewrite the headline before it takes on a life of its own…
“Classic vans of the ’70s ride into vogue again”: We’ll give the Millennials a pass on this one, since they single-handedly rived the record album industry. Fun fact: Did you know, according to the article, that the classic van hobby is known as “vanning”?
“Domino’s now lets you order pizza just by launching an app — no clicking required”: Whew! Just so no one accidentally burns a calorie or something. Who knew ordering pizza was so arduous?
“Pfizer, Allergan call off record merger”: So for the time being we can stick with the understated “Big Pharma” moniker, rather than moving to “Super-Duper-Mega Pharma.”
“Facebook is being used to sell weapons in the Middle East”: Not to mention guns at home and elsewhere… (Yes, despite the site’s policies.)
“Road rage: Women brawl over parking spot at Houston Zoo”: Thereby eliminating the need for the witnesses to go inside in order to view the animals. (Apologies to the caged wild animals.)
“What motivates women to become suicide bombers”: Uh, would it be whatever motivates men to become suicide bombers?
“?‘Rage Yoga’ encourages posing while cursing, drinking, and listening to metal”: OK, whatever works. Just don’t call it “yoga.” (“Rage posing” is much more accurate. Anger as performance art.) Would anyone in India ever open a “Gentle Boxing” studio?
“How WSU coach Mike Leach and Donald Trump developed a unique friendship”: I’m going to take a wild guess that they both agreed that someone or something (like a team) was dumb and a loser.
Is anyone else into classic ’70s station wagons? Known as station wagoning?
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; email@example.com.