It’s that time of year to offer to hold the football for someone so they can kick it … and then pull it away at the last minute. Ha ha. Let’s go all Lucy Van Pelt on the headlines.
“9 great apps for reading on your commute”: Just to clarify, because you know it’s necessary, they mean while riding public transportation or in your carpool, not while driving.
“This ingenious moped cooler puts your party on wheels”: Wow, a three-wheeled motorized bike with a cooler for a seat. That is ingenious. Watch out, Mars, here we come.
“iPants? These are built for the iPhone 6 Plus”: To prevent the bending that can happen when a phone is kept in one’s pocket, these pants have a hidden holster for a phone, so sits on one’s thigh. Ingenious. The iFanny Pack can’t be far behind.
“Got an iPhone 6 Plus? This shirt was made for you”: Not only with big pockets for your big phone, but with earbuds in the collar! Your iOutfit is complete! And with so many big pockets, you can always keep a sandwich on hand for when you get hungry riding around on your moped cooler.
“?‘Wide stance’ defense costs Idaho’s ex-Sen. Larry Craig $242,000”: The court rejected his newest argument that his big-pocketed pants were responsible for his self-described “wide stance,” which was misinterpreted as an invitation in a bathroom stall of Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport…
“Donald Trump swipes at ‘Black-ish’?”: The Donald tweeted, “How is ABC Television allowed to have a show entitled ‘Blackish’? Can you imagine the furor of a show, ‘Whiteish’! Racism at highest level?”
Hmm. Well, no actually. But how very Trumpish of him to say.
“Putting caffeine into underwear doesn’t help you to lose weight?”: The writer begins her article, “It sounds so ridiculous that it’s amazing that millions of people actually thought it might work.” Guess she hasn’t been covering weight loss scams very long. They all sound ridiculous. “Take this pill — for people with serious weight problems only — and don’t change your diet or increase your activity, and the pill will magically melt away the fat, and only pure body fat.?”
And the scammers always make money off wishful thinking, which is why they do it. So, sadly, it’s not amazing people fell for it, but rather predictable. Like falling for the pulling-away-the-football trick every time.
“Study: Your pet’s food may not contain the meat it says it does”: Again, sadly true. Because pet food is “regulated” like diet scams are. It pretty much takes cases of death or injury to garner regulatory attention.
“21 awesomely well-designed products we’re dying to own”: This from the staff at Wired magazine. Dying to own? Really? Even if their advertisers are desperate to sell them, it still doesn’t qualify as a life or death situation, thank goodness.
Well, back to work on my custom-design Sansabelt-Landline-Phone Pantsuit, with accompanying caffeine-free underwear.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; firstname.lastname@example.org