Set clocks forward through space and time

If everyone decided to just spring “sideways” today, can we leave the clocks alone? Let’s take a look at the standard headlines.

Amazon to debut live show about fashion”: Oooh, stylin’. It’s all about the latest in start-up T-shirts, hoodies, jeans, cargo shorts, plaid shirts and sneakers. Causing real fashion designers to code … in the medical sense.

Chirping with syntax: Do bird calls work like human language?”: Since birds existed long before homo sapiens, wouldn’t it be more accurate to ask: Does human language work like bird calls?

“?‘How to move to Canada’ searches spike after Donald Trump Super Tuesday victories”: Sure seems like “conscientious objector” status could apply in this case.

Sponsors ditch Maria Sharapova, world’s top-earning female athlete”: Ah, the same sponsors who made her the highest-paid female athlete, despite her not being the best female tennis player, because they valued Sharapova’s looks over Serena Williams’ talent and looks for years. So, yes, they would drop her in an instant because she is believed to be no longer financially useful.

Google says it bears ‘some responsibility’ after self-driving car hit bus”: How somewhat responsible of the company to take “some responsibility” for the car crashing into a city bus. The incident reveals a big flaw in the whole concept, as explained by Google: The vehicle and the test driver “believed the bus would slow or allow the Google (autonomous vehicle) to continue.”

This violates one of the biggest unwritten rules of driving: A smaller car, regardless of circumstances, must yield to the bigger vehicle, because the bigger vehicle will never yield to a smaller car. “The vehicle believed the bus would slow.” Ha, ha. Good one, Google.

More people are undergoing buttock-related surgeries in the U.S.”: Buttock related? It would seem that lifts and implants would be buttock surgeries, period.

American Society For Aesthetic Plastic Surgery reports more than $13.5 billion spent for the first time ever”: Wow. Those buttock-related surgeries do add up. Three cheers for the growing Aesthetic Plastic Surgery economy!

There are reasons to be wary of financial advisers”: Indeed. The main one being they are trying to make money … off you.

Scientists: Stuff your baby full of peanuts”: Well, not exactly. While the headline brings to mind Thanksgiving preparations, what the researchers really said is early exposure to peanuts is important. It doesn’t require massive quantities. So don’t, you know, stuff your baby full of peanuts.

Mariners notebook: Manager Scott Servais wants players to put down their iPads”: However, due to heavy pine tar use, several players have had to undergo buttock-related and other surgeries in order to actually put down their iPads.

Quote the Everett AquaSox readerboard on Broadway this week: “Spring Training is in the air. Smells good.”

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