Simple rules every man should take to heart

I was out and about on an errand several days ago when a lady and a gentleman approached the entrance to a building at the same time.

I watched as the gentleman stopped and held the door for her as she went through, after which she turned to him, said “Thank you,” and continued on her way.

Small thing, but it got me thinking about the things that all men had once been taught to do.

I’m not sure such things are taught any more and this led me to compile the following very partial list of things that all men should either know or know how to do.

Similar lists can be found on the Internet. Even Popular Mechanics has one. Still, since this is my column, here’s my take on it all.

Even in today’s world, all men should:

•As noted, hold doors for others. It’s polite and it often helps — especially if the other individual is in any way encumbered. Makes for a good feeling about one’s self too.

Carry a small pocket knife. The uses for one are numerous and usually occur unexpectedly. The emphasis, however, is on the word “small.” Forget anything that looks like a toolbox or has more blades than the pope has hats. There’s not a pocket on Earth they could fit in anyway.

In line with No. 2 above, know how to sharpen any knife to the point where it could — very smoothly — trim a gnat’s toenails.

Walk on the curb side of any lady whom they happen to be accompanying. Ladies, this isn’t hinting at any sort of inferiority. Rather, think of it as guys playing the role of vertical umbrellas to ward off the splash made by the doofus doing 30 mph through the puddle next to that curb.

Know how to cook a presentable and tasty meal consisting of something other than “mac and cheese” or “beanie-weanies.”

Know how to handle, shoot and clean a firearm without harming anyone (yourself included) or anything within the effective range of that firearm.

Argue a point vigorously without resorting to a single profanity.

Know how to change a tire. Women should know how to do this too, but should never have to. A real man will stop as soon as he sees a lady going for the lug wrench. Further, in matters automotive, all men should know how to jump start a car or start one equipped with a manual transmission that has a dead battery.

Know how to read a compass and use a map. Extra points are awarded for understanding that the going gets tough if those squiggly (contour) lines get really close together.

Know basic first aid and have a first aid kit nearby. Stop the bleeding. Keep the heart pumping. Make sure they’re breathing. Get help. If you know nothing and have nothing, you’re likely to quickly become a member of the “when in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout” crowd. Not a very useful group, that one.

Know how to dance. Ballroom type stuff. Such ability is a proven attractant to the opposite sex.

Know when to remain quiet and listen. It makes you seem thoughtful, considerate and even wise. When asked for an opinion, never be afraid — if such is the case — to say “I don’t know enough about the topic yet to respond.” That will make you seem even more thoughtful, considerate and wise.

On that last, if you do have an opinion, keep your answer short. Too, use simple and direct language to make your point. This, in any meeting, will make you loved.

Have a pool of interesting conversational trivia handy. For instance, the reason men’s shirts and coats button left over right is because most of us are right handed. Such being the case, in olden days, our left hands were used to open our coats and to ward off blows while our right hands reached for our swords. You can look it up.

Know how to clean and cook a fish (better yet, know how to clean, skin, and cook larger game animals), start a fire from kindling (in the rain, at night, with the wind howling), and make water potable.

Finally, I’ll end with a note for women. Have patience with us. We’re men, which means that we’re exasperating but trainable. Smile and pat us on the rear every now and then and we’ll become nearly domesticated. I think that’s in the bible somewhere.

Larry Simoneaux lives in Edmonds. Send comments to larrysim@comcast.net.