It’s been a long night for many who stayed up to find out Harry Potter’s destiny. For those bleary-eyed readers, we’ll look at which characters would appreciate certain stories in today’s paper:
Draco Malfoy: Like Harry’s nemesis, it seems an NBA referee may have been drawn to the dark side. He’s accused of betting on games, including ones where he was officiating. The problem went undetected because for some reason, no one could tell the difference between a cheating referee and the usual assortment of terrible calls during an NBA game.
Hermione Granger: Harry’s smartest friend would appreciate the fact that the geniuses who banned cigarette lighters and breast milk from airplanes have finally dropped those rules. So now it’ll be easier to feed a screaming baby on the plane or recover from one after the flight.
Lord Voldemort: Things are looking pretty creepy for Michael Vick right now. Animal rights groups want the NFL to ban him for allegedly leading a dog-fighting ring. The NFL said it was “extremely disappointed” in him. In a league where one team had a dozen players arrested last year, you have to be some kind of evil wizard to get that response.
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