FYI, Santa has outfitted his sleigh with anti-drone and anti-toll devices, so don’t even try. Let’s fly through the headlines:
“Rare full moon on Christmas”: The better to see Santa with, as he laughs Ho, ho, ho at all things “Good to Go!”
“Being happy won’t make you live longer, study finds”: That makes me so mad! Well, what good is contentedness if it doesn’t make you live longer? What a rip-off! (On the other hand, being grumpy all the time makes other people feel like you, the grump, will live forever.)
“Pets in the bedroom may help you sleep better”: Well, some pets, anyway. But not your chatty birds, or nocturnal gerbils, or hungry pythons.
“Scientists have found that part of your brain where Christmas Spirit lives”: It’s located not far from the Lobe of Misfit Toys, reports Dr. Yukon Cornelius, in new research.
“Trump branding removed from Dubai development amid uproar” and “Donald Trump urged to ‘withdraw from Scotland forever’?” and “Vancouver, B.C., mayor: Get Trump’s name off our skyscraper”: Hmm. And his biggest claim to fame is his business acumen?
“Kanye West Wanted His Son’s Name to Be ‘Unique,’ Says Source”: This is why publications that value clarity don’t write headlines with every word capitalized. Because the only conclusion here would be that Kanye West wanted to name his son “Unique.”
In fact, the singer named his baby “Saint,” “which seems like one those old-fashioned aspirational names, like “Prudence” or “Chastity.” Which is a lot of pressure on a young lad, especially compared to his older sister North’s merely directional aspirational moniker.
Pew Study: 1 in 5 Americans use Internet ‘almost constantly’: Do the other four use it constantly?
The constancy helps explain the headline “Is your smartphone or tablet making you sick?” Smartphones and tablets can hold thousands of colonies bacteria, the article explains. Eeew. Constant immersion in colonies of bacteria. Let’s go ahead and call them Coliformphones.
“Pittsburgh bank robbery suspect on cellphone during incident”: He wanted to update his Facebook status to “rich” right away.
“Who’s investigating fake Chinese goods? Fake investigators”: That sounds about right. The Associated Press report reveals, among other things, “… a classic form of double-dealing in China’s murky anti-counterfeiting industry, which is itself plagued with fraud.” Really.
“Divorce rates at an all-time low, says new study”: Great news! Someone should inform a certain payroll site, which includes among its security questions, the query, “Where was your first wedding reception?” (Emphasis mine.)
Remember to use mistletoe responsibly, or bring along a designated kisser.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com.
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