By Carol MacPherson
Let’s be crafty and string popcorn, cranberries and headlines together for a lovely, informative Christmas tree garland.
“Dont panic! Here are the best last minute holiday deals”: Maybe the headline writer can calm down and get a good buy on an apostrophe before telling us not to panic. Also, no need to panic because as of today, it’s only Dec. 11. (It’s not even the 12 days of Christmas yet.)
“Amazon Go stores could watch, listen, and remember your every move”: Yikes. OK. Now somebody needs to panic!
Blame wages and turtle doves: ‘12 Days’ now costs $34,363”: Meanwhile, the seven swans a-swimming are threatening to go on strike, and the 10 lords a-leaping won’t stop tweeting.
“Ask Larry: Can flipping past wives maximize my Social Security?” What? Is that like the practice of flipping houses? (However, unlike houses that have no say, past wives may not care to be flipped.)
“Mortgage rates jump to a new high for 2016”: Despite the sky-is-falling tone of the headline, it’s important to keep in mind that the new high of 4.13 percent for a 30-year mortgage is still a historically, astoundingly low rate. (The annual average rate was higher from 1972 through 2011. That’s decades of rates being higher than they are today.)
“Kroger CEO: Food price deflation is ‘not fun’”: Low and middle-income people: As opposed to the fun, good old times of food price inflation?
“Starbucks prices are up, again”: Starbucks CEO: Coffee price inflation is so fun. So very fun! It’s so fun, Starbucks average a price hike a couple of times of year.
“American criticism of Cuba on human rights is total hypocrisy, given U.S. history of terrorizing the island”: Not to mention our relationships with China and Russia … just to name two.
“Seattle named one of the best U.S. cities for singles”: This sounds less exciting when it’s also reported that Seattle is also one of several high-cost cities with large percentages of people over the age of 40 living with a roommate …
“At this point, who’s objecting to pot?”: Well, as it turns out, Big Pharma (specifically opioid companies) and Big Alcohol are heavy contributors to defeat any and all campaigns to legalize cannabis, whether medicinal or recreational. (Private prisons also want to keep cannabis illegal.)
“Feeling sleepy? You may be costing the US economy $411 billion”: Wow, that’s an expensive nap. Despite research like this, Americans still cling to their “multitasking” fantasies, even as they are falling asleep at work or on the road.
Stay awake at work this week and you’ll boost the economy by a billion dollars or* so. After which, you most deservedly may take a nap.
cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
*Correction
A typo in this sentence (“are” instead of “or”) has been corrected, thanks to a heads up from a reader. Thank you! I stand corrected and humbled for making fun of the missing apostrophe in the first headline. Instant karma indeed!
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