‘Tadpoling’ has its advantages

  • Donna Britt / Washington Post columnist
  • Monday, July 22, 2002 9:00pm
  • Opinion

WASHINGTON — Just think. "National Tadpole Week" is almost over — and you knew nothing about it.

But if you were impressed to learn that cutie-pie singers Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake — Britney Spears’ ex — may be an item, you were on the right track.

The gossip couldn’t have surfaced at a better time for Sigourney Weaver’s new film, "Tadpole." Though clever and quirky, the all-digital flick isn’t nearly as fascinating as the notion of "tadpoling" — women dating much younger men. The term, coined by "Tadpole" distributor Miramax, is so cute, it just might catch on.

The notion of a hookup between Jackson, 36, and ‘N Sync crooner Timberlake, 21, already has.

Professional gossips salivate over the possibilities. Could Spears handle being replaced by a twice-married diva as hard-bodied as she is? Was the unlikely May-September couple really spotted "bumping and grinding" at an L.A. club, as reported by entertainment news outlets? Were they actually smooching at a rapper’s birthday party?

What if they were? Millions of women have tadpoled their way to lasting love, including Susan Sarandon and author Terry McMillan, whose 1998 best seller, "How Stella Got Her Groove Back," must be the tadpole bible. Miramax, creator of the fictional tadpole week, commissioned a nationwide e-poll of more than 1,000 men and women. One in five men — and nearly one in 10 women — admitted to having had a "tadpoling" encounter.

Certainly tadpoling is a welcome counterpoint to the grizzled guy-nubile female pairing. Film-wise, think Sean Connery, 71, and Catherine Zeta-Jones, 32, in "Entrapment." Think Harrison Ford, 60, and Anne Heche, 33, in "Six Days, Seven Nights." Think Woody Allen, 66, and any of his nymphet co-stars.

"Tadpole," which opens this week, features a brainy, 15-year-old prep-schooler named Oscar (newcomer Aaron Stanford) who carries a major torch for Weaver’s character — his, um, stepmother. Oscar finds the childlike naivete of girls his own age boring. He craves experience, wit, sophistication.

He craves Weaver. Who wouldn’t? Luckily, actor Stanford (who’s really 25) looks college-age, blunting the incestuous "ick" factor. In fact, the movie is more honest about tadpoling than was "The Graduate."

That movie’s stereotype of a desperate, fading 40-something pursuing a reluctant boy toy who eventually drops her has been replaced in "Tadpole" — and in popular culture — by that of a confident woman who’s coveted by an intrigued young man.

Susan Winter, co-author of the book "Older Women, Younger Men," interviewed 200 male and female tadpolers and found three major myths. They include:

"Such unions never last." Most of Winter’s couples had been together 13 to 16 years.

"It’s only about sex." Relationships that long, Winter says, require other pluses.

Then there’s the biggie:

"He’ll dump you for a younger woman."

"This never happened in my cases," Winter says. "A guy who’s with an older woman has made a statement: He doesn’t care about age. So he’s not going to trade you in.

"Women today are much more empowered, have financial freedom," she continues. "That allows us to choose what we want. … People find each other because they resonate."

A retired Silver Spring, Md., government worker, 78, engaged to an ex-machinist, 66, says her sweetheart’s age was initially a turnoff — a common reaction among female tadpolers, says Winter.

The retiree told her suitor, "This won’t work — I’m older than you," she recalls.

"I didn’t think he knew what was best for him. When I told our minister that this nagged at me, he talked with (the fiance) and then he told me, ‘He does not care.’ "

Four years later, she says, "I don’t think about age."

Neither does Mary, 41, of Howard County, Md. A media executive who met her husband, now 32, at the gym, she too avoided a relationship. "I tried to talk myself out of it. … He was just 24. But he had real goals, a strategy and objectives."

Still, Mary worried that they weren’t on the same level. "On your birthday, you think you should be taken to a really nice restaurant — he had no money."

Then Mary had major surgery — and Mr. Not-on-Her-Level visited every day despite her evident lack of interest. Says Mary: "I felt, ‘This person is genuine.’ "

So genuine, he didn’t flinch when she told him she wanted no less than "a true partner, 50-50." Seven years and two kids later, Mary feels "very blessed to have someone so committed. … In my own experience, younger guys are more open to sharing (household responsibilities). They’re more likely to have been raised that way."

Does that mean Justin will help Janet with the laundry? There are no absolutes, or guarantees, in any relationship. These days, a woman can kiss a tadpole, a frog or Prince Charming. What matters is that she has a choice.

That’s great — as long as Britney stays away from my 6-year-old.

Donna Britt can be reached at The Washington Post Writers Group, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, DC 20071-9200.

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