By Jon Bauer
We realize most of you were hoping we were among those furloughed during the government shutdown. Along with being non-essential, we’re also not part of the government, at least not the part we’re allowed to talk about.
We are, however, allowed to talk about the week that wasn’t:
Abandon all hope ye who enter here: You know this is serious because it has its own name: Viadoom, the three-week period between the closing of Seattle’s Alaskan Way viaduct and the opening of new Highway 99 tunnel, during which some 90,000 vehicles will be pushed each day on to downtown surface streets to face gridlock and ad-packed KOMO radio traffic reports.
Those of us who don’t need to venture south of Lynnwood have our own name for it, however: Pull Up a Chair, Pass the Popcorn and Turn on the Traffic Cams.
People who live in White Houses shouldn’t throw dirt: President Trump, who has a history of attacking Jeff Bezos and the companies he owns, including Amazon and The Washington Post, appeared to facetiously wish Bezos luck after it was announced the billionaire and his wife announced plans to divorce. The divorce proceedings were “going to be a beauty,” Trump said.
“Interesting,” said Melania to her husband. “Do you know who his divorce attorney is?”
You should see their dancing video: President Trump — locked in a stalemate with Democratic Rep. Nancy Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer over his demand for $5.7 billion for border wall funding, which has forced a partial government shutdown — blamed Democrats for not compromising: “I really believe the Democrats don’t care about crime,” he said. “They’ve been taken over by young people who — I really believe this — I think they’re crazy.”
“Well, we’re not crazy,” said Chuck and Nancy. “But we do try to stay active and vital, and we’re only as young as we feel.”
Speaking of those crazy kids: A study by researchers at New York University found that those 65 and older and ultra-conservatives were the most likely to share items on Facebook that were masquerading as news. Seniors shared more than twice as many fake stories as those between 45 and 64 and more than three times as those between 30 and 44, the study reported.
Nana, I know your friends share fake news, but if your friends took their mobility scooters out on I-5 would you do that, too?
On the plus side, you don’t have to wear a life vest walking a dog: Employees and those serving in the U.S. Coast Guard — who unlike other military branches are not receiving pay but are still expected to report for duty — have been advised by officials to make due by holding garage sales, babysitting, dog-walking or turning hobbies into paying gigs.
However, Coasties, we’d advise against trying to sell any of those unmarked bales that you’ve fished out of the water during patrols. The FBI is still getting paid.
Take a deep breath first: President Trump is now claiming, in spite of numerous statements to the contrary, that he never said Mexico would directly pay to fund construction of the border wall. “Obviously, I never said this, and I never meant they’re going to write out a check,” he said.
Trump supporters, you’re now expected to back your president on this. At rallies, when you chant “Build the wall!” and he asks, “Who’s going to pay for the wall?” you respond with a hearty: “Indirectly, Mexico, but only through increased corporate profits due to the revisions to NAFTA, and that’s assuming Congress approves the new trade deal. So, we’ll end up paying for it! Oh, and MAGA!”
Email Jon Bauer at firstname.lastname@example.org.