By Jon Bauer
Herald staff
So, instead of reading Robert Mueller’s report, you’re stuck with The Buzz. Not to worry, we’ve got plenty of indictments for you in the week that wasn’t.
Our long national nightmare is going into overtime: Special counsel Robert Mueller released the long-awaited report to Attorney General William Barr on Friday afternoon detailing the findings of his investigation into Russian interference in to the 2016 presidential campaign. It will be up to Barr to determine if the report will be released to Congress and the public.
Or we can wait for national security adviser John Bolton to hold an open copy of the report up to his chest while he’s talking to the press. Page by page.
How now, hateful cow? U.S. Rep. Devin Nunes, R-California, is suing Twitter for more than $250 million, claiming it’s responsible for allowing the tweets of several users who have defamed him with “abusive, hateful” comments. The accounts include “Devin Nunes’ Mom” and “Devin Nunes’ Cow.”
Never mind the First Amendment protections for satire and political speech, we just want to see a cow put on the witness stand at trial and instructed to demonstrate how she tweets.
When do we get to the “No collusion” part, Sean? Asked if special counsel Robert Mueller’s report should be released, following a two-year investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential campaign, President Trump said: “Let it come out, let people see it. Let’s see whether or not it’s legit.” Though he called the investigation “ridiculous,” Trump said he is looking forward to reading its findings.
OK, he won’t “read” the findings himself. Sean Hannity will read the findings to him. Or he’ll tell the president he’s reading the report, but will instead read from “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” until Trump falls asleep.
Let’s catch a game at ‘The Funk’: Everett-based Funko — the makers of pop-culture collectibles of superheroes, cartoon characters and sports figures — purchased the naming rights to the baseball field at Everett Memorial Stadium, meaning the Everett AquaSox baseball team will play its games at Funko Field for at least the next eight years.
Funko Field may be a minor league park, but the AquaSox outdid their Seattle Mariner big brothers, who are stuck playing for the next 25 years in Magenta T-Mobilehome or whatever they’re calling Safeco Field these days.
Arrangements by Trump & Sons Funeral Home: President Trump continued his attacks against the late Sen. John McCain during a speech in Lima, Ohio, claiming credit for giving McCain “the kind of funeral he wanted,” then complaining that “I didn’t get a thank you.” Presidents don’t “approve” the funerals of members of Congress, but Trump did approve military transport of McCain’s remains, military pallbearers, a band and military horses.
And to show you how ungrateful the McCain family is: Melania made a casserole, took it to the McCains’ home and left it at the front door but heard nothing back.
Who’s a good dog? You are! Yes, you’re a good dog! For the 28th straight year, Labrador retrievers were announced as the most popular dog breed in the U.S., according to American Kennel Club data, followed by German shepherds, golden retrievers and French bulldogs.
The nation’s cats, unimpressed with such notions of breeding, popularity and high-pitched, over-enthusiastic human praise, coughed up hairballs into the water bowls of the nation’s dogs and stretched out in a sunny spot in the front room.
Don’t know much about history: On March 21, 2006, the social media website Twitter was launched with a tweet from co-founder Jack Dorsey, who tapped out “just setting up my twtter.”
Or at least he did until time-travelers from the future set their time machine to just before the fateful tweet, grabbed his phone and smashed it into several satisfying pieces. “That’s for making fun of Devin Nunes,” the time travelers explained.
Jon Bauer: jbauer@heraldnet.com.
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