By Jon Bauer
Herald staff
I would like to apologize now for Amazon’s decision not to bring HQ2 and its 50,000 jobs to Snohomish County. But upgrading to Prime just wasn’t a financial incentive I was willing to pay for.
Other news in the week that wasn’t:
Prime location: After a year-long competition among 238 cities, Amazon announced that instead of one HQ2, it would split the estimated 50,000 jobs between cities outside New York and Washington, D.C.
If the other 236 cities are disappointed, they needn’t be. They’ve been spared a downtown choked with high-tech millennials who were only going to spend their $150,000 salaries on lunch at poke food trucks, energy drinks and tattoos.
I bet they were wearing MAGA hats, too: President Trump, explaining how it was possible that Republican candidates lost key races that will turn the U.S. House over to the control of Democrats, said “potentially illegal votes” were cast by voters who returned repeatedly to polling places and “put on a different hat, put on a different shirt” and voted again.
Well, you got me, Mr. President. While filling out my ballot at home, I must have changed outfits four or five times. Had to stop when my wife got suspicious.
And don’t get us started on the alligators and snakes: A federal judge, denying a request by Florida counties to extend the deadline for counting ballots from the Nov. 6 general election, lamented in court: “We have been the laughingstock of the world, election after election, and we chose not to fix this.”
Courage, your honor. Florida has been a laughingstock for a while. Or have you forgotten — and these are all true, as Dave Barry would say — the drunk guy who started a house fire by making cookies on his George Forman grill; the Congressional candidate who said she was abducted by aliens; the security guard fired for posting a video of his farts on Instagram; the guy whose monkey was seized after he was arrested for driving a stolen car; the woman who blamed the wind for blowing a baggie of cocaine into her purse; the donation of a loaded grenade-launcher to Goodwill; shall we go on?
You’ll shoot your eye out, kid: A nonprofit safety advocacy organization, World Against Toys Causing Harm, has released its 46th annual list of the 10 “worst toys” for the holiday season. Among the toys to avoid are a Black Panther “slash claw,” a Power Rangers sword, a Nerf “stomp rocket,” and various choking hazards.
Good advice. We’re sticking with giving the time-honored classics to the kids in our family. Our young nephews, for example, will be getting our old set of Lawn Darts.
Remember the Alamo, forget the rest: The Texas State Board of Education took public testimony from about three dozen people who have objected to the board’s plans to remove certain historical figures from public school curricula, including Helen Keller, Hillary Clinton and World War II’s Women Airforce Service Pilots.
The changes are being made so Texas children can read from historical texts more important to their lives, such as “Great Texas Barbecue Masters”; “Rick Perry’s Search for the Third Federal Agency He Wants to Axe” and “The Life and Times of Ted Cruz, Canada’s First Texan.”
Jon Bauer: jbauer@heraldnet.com.
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