By Jon Bauer
Though we’re current on our dues with the National Association of Mainstream Media and Fake News Purveyors, we tend to fly below the radar and thus far haven’t received any suspicious packages. But for the time being, just send postcards.
Other dispatches from the week that wasn’t:
Return to sender: With an arrest, the investigation continues into the delivery of at least 13 pipe-bombs to political figures and others who have been outspoken critics of President Trump, including Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and even actor Robert De Niro. After a toned-down speech at a rally Wednesday, Trump in a tweet Thursday blamed “a very big part of the Anger” on the “purposely false and inaccurate reporting by the Mainstream Media that I refer to as Fake News.”
“It true,” said Anger, from its man cave in the American id, where it was watching “Hannity.” “Me no like Fake News. Hurt nice Mr. Trump. Make Anger angry. Sad.”
Journalist? What journalist? Saudi Arabia continues to deny that Saudi leadership had any prior knowledge but now says that the slaying of Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, Turkey, was a premeditated act. This was after it initially claimed Khashoggi had left the consulate, then that he died in a fistfight with 18 Saudis, then that he died in a botched interrogation.
Just a word of advice, gentlemen; it’s not the dark sunglasses that make us doubt your explanations.
No, you hang up, Vladdie: The New York Times reported that President Trump has insisted on using unsecured iPhones when he talks with friends and that American intelligence reports show that the Chinese often listen in and gain insights into how to work the president and affect administration policy. Trump responded by tweet that the Times story was “long and boring” and “soooo wrong!”
China has denied the surveillance but suggested that President Trump consider trading up to the latest model of Chinese-made phones with improved sound quality and fewer dropped calls.
This time the doors can hold two people: An Australian businessman announced work has started again on construction of an exact replica of the RMS Titanic which sank April 15, 1912, after striking an iceberg in the North Atlantic Ocean. With a few exceptions for safety — such as more lifeboats — the ship will be nearly identical to the original ocean liner. The Titanic II’s maiden voyage, which will follow its namesake’s route, is planned for 2022.
Just days after that announcement, Fate announced its plans to calve an exact replica of the iceberg that sunk the Titanic from Greenland’s ice sheet, also in 2022.
Bet the IRS knows the winner’s name: There is reportedly one winner of the $1.537 billion Mega Millions lottery jackpot. The winning ticket was sold at a KC Mart convenience story in Simpsonville, South Carolina, but the winner’s identity may never been known because South Carolina law allows the winners of lotteries to remain anonymous.
It can’t be that hard to figure it out, though; just watch the front door of the KC Mart in Simpsonville and see who walks out with 1.537 billion Slim Jims.
China lassos the moon: Officials for a city in China say they are planning to launch an artificial moon into orbit in 2020, a satellite that would reflect sunlight on the city at night, producing about eight times the light of the full moon and saving the city $174 million in electricity for streetlights.
That was the city’s second idea after asking all 1.386 billion Chinese to “quit listening to Trump’s phone call for a minute and shine your phone over here so we can look for our car keys.”
Jon Bauer: firstname.lastname@example.org.