The Buzz: Would you mind picking up our mail for us?

Thanks. Now, go behind that brick wall and poke all the packages with this stick.

By Jon Bauer

Herald staff

Though we’re current on our dues with the National Association of Mainstream Media and Fake News Purveyors, we tend to fly below the radar and thus far haven’t received any suspicious packages. But for the time being, just send postcards.

Other dispatches from the week that wasn’t:

Return to sender: With an arrest, the investigation continues into the delivery of at least 13 pipe-bombs to political figures and others who have been outspoken critics of President Trump, including Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and even actor Robert De Niro. After a toned-down speech at a rally Wednesday, Trump in a tweet Thursday blamed “a very big part of the Anger” on the “purposely false and inaccurate reporting by the Mainstream Media that I refer to as Fake News.”

“It true,” said Anger, from its man cave in the American id, where it was watching “Hannity.” “Me no like Fake News. Hurt nice Mr. Trump. Make Anger angry. Sad.”

Journalist? What journalist? Saudi Arabia continues to deny that Saudi leadership had any prior knowledge but now says that the slaying of Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, Turkey, was a premeditated act. This was after it initially claimed Khashoggi had left the consulate, then that he died in a fistfight with 18 Saudis, then that he died in a botched interrogation.

Just a word of advice, gentlemen; it’s not the dark sunglasses that make us doubt your explanations.

No, you hang up, Vladdie: The New York Times reported that President Trump has insisted on using unsecured iPhones when he talks with friends and that American intelligence reports show that the Chinese often listen in and gain insights into how to work the president and affect administration policy. Trump responded by tweet that the Times story was “long and boring” and “soooo wrong!”

China has denied the surveillance but suggested that President Trump consider trading up to the latest model of Chinese-made phones with improved sound quality and fewer dropped calls.

This time the doors can hold two people: An Australian businessman announced work has started again on construction of an exact replica of the RMS Titanic which sank April 15, 1912, after striking an iceberg in the North Atlantic Ocean. With a few exceptions for safety — such as more lifeboats — the ship will be nearly identical to the original ocean liner. The Titanic II’s maiden voyage, which will follow its namesake’s route, is planned for 2022.

Just days after that announcement, Fate announced its plans to calve an exact replica of the iceberg that sunk the Titanic from Greenland’s ice sheet, also in 2022.

Bet the IRS knows the winner’s name: There is reportedly one winner of the $1.537 billion Mega Millions lottery jackpot. The winning ticket was sold at a KC Mart convenience story in Simpsonville, South Carolina, but the winner’s identity may never been known because South Carolina law allows the winners of lotteries to remain anonymous.

It can’t be that hard to figure it out, though; just watch the front door of the KC Mart in Simpsonville and see who walks out with 1.537 billion Slim Jims.

China lassos the moon: Officials for a city in China say they are planning to launch an artificial moon into orbit in 2020, a satellite that would reflect sunlight on the city at night, producing about eight times the light of the full moon and saving the city $174 million in electricity for streetlights.

That was the city’s second idea after asking all 1.386 billion Chinese to “quit listening to Trump’s phone call for a minute and shine your phone over here so we can look for our car keys.”

Jon Bauer: jbauer@heraldnet.com.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Opinion

toon
Editorial cartoons for Sunday, Feb. 16

A sketchy look at the news of the day.… Continue reading

Rivian, based in Irvine, Calif., has introduced its new R2 models, smaller and more affordable SUVs. (Rivian)
Editorial: Open electric vehicle market to direct sales

Legislation would allow EV makers to sell directly to customers, making lease or purchase easier.

President Donald Trump listens alongside Elon Musk as he explains the administration’s cost-cutting efforts in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, on Tuesday, Feb. 11, 2025. Musk has for weeks posted on social media about government spending, often amplifying and seeding false information. (Eric Lee/The New York Times)
Comment: This crisis can’t be left to courts alone

The courts can uphold the law, but they can’t match the speed of the executive branch in tearing down systems.

Eco-nomics: Climate change is making insurance a risky bet

Keeping home insurance affordable amid climate change will take adaptation to threats and broader efforts.

The Buzz: When you gotta boogie, best to shake it off, kid

A pasquidadian review of the week’s news.

Stick with solutions to homelessness that have heart

A friend of mine, a poet from Leningrad who was born during… Continue reading

SAVE Act would restrict voting rights

As a mother, I am flabbergasted by the continued and increasing attacks… Continue reading

Solar for All program is very beneficial and should be kept

The recent Herald article about the $156 million grant for Solar for… Continue reading

Comment: Keeping health care fair, affordable as costs rise

Bills in the state Senate would look to control costs and keep decisions in the hands of providers.

Comment: Proposal takes a swipe at credit card swipe fees

State legislation would exempt taxes and gratuities from the fees that credit card firms charge businesses.

People walk adjacent to the border with Canada at the Peace Arch in Peace Arch Historical State Park, where cars behind wait to enter Canada at the border crossing Monday, Aug. 9, 2021, in Blaine, Wash. Canada lifted its prohibition on Americans crossing the border to shop, vacation or visit, but America kept similar restrictions in place, part of a bumpy return to normalcy from coronavirus travel bans. (AP Photo/Elaine Thompson)
Editorial: U.S. and Canada better neighbors than housemates

President Trump may be serious about annexing Canada, but it’s a deal fraught with complexities for all.

CNA Nina Prigodich, right, goes through restorative exercises with long term care patient Betty Long, 86, at Nightingale's View Ridge Care Center on Friday, Feb. 10, 2023 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Editorial: Boost state Medicaid funding for long-term care

With more in need of skilled nursing and assisted-living services, funding must keep up to retain staff.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.