By Carol MacPherson
The Necco Sweethearts candy (the little heart-shaped ones) have some new sayings for Valentine’s Day this year. They include: Happy! Strong! Delightful! Good! Reasonable size! Let’s flirt with the saucy headlines.
“Don’t let your phone ruin Valentine’s Day!”: Indeed. Take it wherever it wants to go, and give it whatever it asks. You’re in love, after all.
“How often should you have sex with your partner?” Uh, as often (or infrequently) as you both choose? Is this really a “keeping up with the Joneses” area of life? Isn’t that what phones are for? Apropos of nothing, remember when former journalist Dan Rather was attacked and punched by two men, one of whom kept inquiring, “Kenneth, what is the frequency?”
“This fertility bracelet tells you when you’re ovulating”: Nice. Just as it will tell anyone within viewing distance… What a conversational icebreaker!”
“Deep fried KFC love on Valentine’s Day”: That sound you hear is your (frightened) heart begging you to please, please reconsider.
“Make a bowl of chocolate soup for Valentine’s Day”: Ah, yes, don’t forget the appetizer!
“Starbucks, Dunkin’ Donuts battle for Valentine’s Day hearts”: Mmm. (Literally, it sounds.) Definitely wash down your fried chicken with a Molten Chocolate Latte and/or a Fudge Croissant Donut. Just don’t’ forget your handy portable Valentine’s Day defibrillator.
“How to romance customers out of Valentine’s Day dollars”: This is from a website called Fast Casual, as in a type of restaurant, which is at least honest about its content.
“Domino’s cooks up Valentine’s romance with online wedding registry”: No, they aren’t selling sets of China or silverware, but rather offering an e-card registry for such things such as “cater the bachelorette party,” “low-key date night,” or “an excuse not to cook.” Romantic, or in a rut? You decide. “Variety is the spice of life” can mean, “let’s order a cheese pizza instead of pepperoni,” or “let’s eat anything, as long it’s not pizza.”
“BBB warns of Valentine’s Day scams and FBI warns of romance scams ahead of Valentine’s Day: More heartbreaking evidence that “American Greed” isn’t just the name of a TV show.
“Valentine’s Day is made for drones, drone company says: Well, of course. Because everyone has lost/broken their Christmas drones? Are they made of chocolate?
“How to take bath time to the next level for Valentine’s Day”: By hiring a professional? (Sitter, that is, to bathe the kids while you go out?)
“Why fancy baby monitors aren’t needed for healthy babies”: Hmm. Would it be because billions of babies have managed to grow into adulthood without them?
Expound on your Romantic Chaos Theory this week.
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