Life really does imitate art, and even, TV sitcoms. Let’s follow the tape recorder: In November 1971, the “The Brady Bunch” aired an episode called “The Private Ear,” in which Peter secretly tapes his siblings’ conversations using his father’s tape recorder. Then, just a few months later, in June 1972, the Washington Post reported its first article on Watergate, “Five held in plot to bug Democratic offices here.” Finally, in 1973, we learned that a new taping system had been installed at the White House that automatically recorded everything in the Oval Office, the Cabinet Room and others, as well as President Nixon’s private office. (They might as well have called the system “The Private Ear.”)
So, the DNA-swabbing, telephone- and computer-monitoring world we live in today call all be traced back to snoopy Peter Brady. (Conspiracy theorists want to know what Alice the housekeeper knew, and when she knew it.)
Let’s be co-conspirators as we spy on the headlines:
•”Obama to broach cyberspying with China’s Xi Jinping”: Just to ask for a few tips.
”More than half of Americans own a smartphone. Now what?”: The sub-headline reads: “Boosting smartphone ownership for low income earners and the elderly could be tough, analyst says.” Yes, there’s that pesky problem of trying to sell expensive stuff to the “have nots.”
”Meet your ancient cousin: A hyper primate”: Based on findings from the discovery of a 55 million-year-old fossil, the tiny, furry mammals were described by the study’s author as “very frenetic creatures, anxious, highly caffeinated animals running around looking for their next meal.” Well, that certainly sounds familiar.
So, in 55 million years we’ve managed to evolve into … much bigger, but less furry creatures, yet still frenetic, anxious, highly caffeinated and running around looking for our next meal.
•”Sarah Palin: ‘America, we are so screwed’”: No, no. That wasn’t her message to the graduates at Republic High School in Eastern Washington. (It was in reaction to President Obama’s naming Susan Rice as his national security adviser.) Her message to the students, who all found a $1 bill taped under their seats, was, “You gotta get off your butt to make a buck.”
Apparently taking her mom’s advice, it was reported two days later that “Bristol Palin ‘wife swaps’ with Joan Rivers.” (Which means Bristol, and her sister, Willow, will trade lives with Joan and Melissa Rivers on a new season of ‘Celebrity Wife Swap,’ a “reality” TV show.) America, what’s our status, now?
•”Breast-milk-flavored lollipops let adults recapture taste of youth”: Is anyone really that nostalgic? The lollipops are actually vegan, and contain no milk of any kind, just the “breast milk” flavor. Which doesn’t make it any better at all.
The company, Lollyphile, of Austin, sells other flavors, such as absinthe, Sriracha (hot sauce), Irish cream, strawberry-banana daiquiri and chocolate bacon. Yum? Artificial grape never sounded so good.
•”Dunkin’ to introduce bacon, egg, doughnut sandwich”: Because one can’t live on lollipops alone.
”Patience wore thin: 100 students thrown off flight”: The pilot who made the decision is being hailed as a hero, without even having to land on the Hudson River.
”Posh potty seats entertain tots at tinkle time”: The article (written by I.P. Freely?) describes the “2-in-1 iPotty with activity seat for iPad.” Nothing like sowing the myth of multitasking at the earliest age.
Not to mention encouraging the gross (adult) practice of combining “device time” with “bathroom time.” Coming next: NSA’s 2-in-1 activity-monitoring seat.
•”Study: More than a third of new marriages start online”: Likely they mean that more than a third of relationships start online, and eventually progress to marriage. Otherwise, it sounds pretty sad and lonely, regardless of how great Skype might be.
”Ohio police say streaker hid in dryer”: “Eeeww, gross,” giggled Snuggles, the fabric softener bear.
”Packers linebacker Clay Matthews opposes locker-room cameras”: As should we all.
Will someone this week please ask Siri if she’s really a personal assistant, or a tattletale in disguise?
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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