The “sexy espresso stands” controversy is hot, hot, hot.
The coffee drive-through stands hosted by young, swimsuit-wearing baristas can be found all over Snohomish County. Some who object to the promotional technique want the state to regulate how much flesh may be exposed while selling coffee. Seeking such punitive action is misguided; taking your business to a fully-clothed barista is the answer here. The bikinis and lingerie stay on, after all. Free enterprise is free enterprise. The bikini baristas say the tips are worth it. (Apparently even if they’ve heard: “Are those real? They certainly are grande” a million times. We’re guessing.)
But the beautiful young ones shouldn’t be the only ones raking in the bucks. Some coffee drinkers would prefer to patronize other types of espresso stands:
“Frumpy espresso stands.” The middle-aged baristas dress down and forget to put on their makeup, and the women on their way to work who thought they looked bad tip handsomely for the chance to feel like they are at least put together better than that poor barista slob.
“Buff espresso stands.” Men with great bodies serve coffee, pretend to listen and flirt for a healthy tip. They do not wear Speedos. Other men organize boycotts and want the state to step in and end this nonsense.
“Psychiatric espresso stands.” Modeled exclusively after Lucy’s stand in the “Peanuts” comic strip, with the sign reading “PSYCHIATRIC HELP 5¢.” (“Add an extra shot for 50 cents.”) Baristas could wear those intellectual-looking black frame no-prescription glasses that are all the rage with models these days. Such stands would allow quick counseling to fit our busy lives. Of course, Lucy’s “advice” generally consisted of pointing out Charlie Brown’s faults and mocking him. This would keep the line moving. “Here’s your super duper latte. And your pizza-sized cookie. And you’re obviously in denial!”
“Quiet espresso stands.” Baristas can wear whatever they want, but they are under obligation to not make small talk. They are forbidden from asking, “What are you doing today?” as if they are the only ones who work. On the flip side, the baristas are free to ignore all flirting, insulting tips and ridiculous questions/comments from customers.
“Grandma espresso stands.” Kindly, older baristas make your mocha just so (they’d put a marshmellow in there if they had one!) and encourage you to have a cookie because you’re special and sweetly admonish you to visit more often. The perfect afternoon antidote to a morning stop at the psychiatric espresso stand.
“Slots ‘n’ espresso stands.” Oh, because you know someone will.
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