Yes, getting your hammock properly set up is considered “yard work.” Same with setting up the grill. You have earned your nap. Just relax as we trim the headlines into a lovely topiary.
•”See Jupiter, Venus and Mercury dance in sunset sky”: How frustrating is it to be an amateur astronomer in the Pacific Northwest?
”Mice return from a month in space”: It’s been confirmed. Again. The moon is not made of cheese. Darn it. But the astro-mice wanted to say for the record, “That’s one small step for a mouse, a giant leap for rodentkind.” And they look so cute in their little space suits.
”Scientists study violent winds of Uranus, Neptune”: Most likely, “The Temptation of the Headline Writer” is a movie that will never be made, despite the thrilling storyline.
”Trip to outer space with Leonardo DiCaprio goes for $ 1.5M at auction”: Is he making a futuristic sequel to “The Titanic”? Is Kate Winslet on board? Meanwhile, the space mice are seeking interested parties to establish a Habitrail space station on the moon. Bidding starts and ends at a dollar.
”Ring nebula apparently less like a bagel, more like a jelly doughnut”: That’s according to more research by the space mice, who then called dibs on the doughnuts.
”Inventor: I’ve cracked cold fusion”: We’ve certainly have heard that before over the years. What is it exactly about cold fusion that causes scientists to experience premature declarations?
”Isn’t it good? Scientists sequence Norwegian wood”: Had The Beatles been scientists, the song title would have been “Coniferous Norway spruce.” And, “The Fusion Fool on The Hill.”
”Teen’s invention could charge your phone in 20 seconds”: Working on her energy storage device allowed Eesha Khare to focus on her interest in nanochemistry, and solve the vexing problem of her cellphone battery always dying. The device not only charges a phone fast, it holds the charge much longer than a battery. Why doesn’t someone create a reality show for scientists and inventors? The first episode could pit Khare and her “supercapacitor” against the cold fusion guy and his “E-Cat” device.
”Feet home to more than 100 fungi”: The team of canine scientists conducting the research said that smelled about right, but they would be sure to double-check their findings.
”Bunions should be blamed on genes, not shoes, study shows”: And bunion-specific fungi should be blamed on faulty hygiene(s.)
”Gene patents drive medical innovation”: Or hinders it, as it happens.
”Oklahoma senators embrace disaster aid after opposing Sandy relief bill”: Gosh, Toto. Nothing like a tornado to change one’s spin on an issue.
”Wash. state woman spots stolen car in drive-thru”: A McDonalds employee called police after seeing her stolen SUV in the drive-thru where she works. So she called Officer Big Mac and Mayor McCheese to report that the Hamburglar’s crimes seem to be escalating.
”Nats reliever breaks pitching hand punching locker”: Oh, my. Ryan Mattheus was placed on the disabled list. And the locker is listed as day-to-day. (And the filming of the sequel to “Dumb and Dumber” continues. Although the Nationals’ pitcher is not in it.)
”Seahawks try to figure out why players keep getting ‘popped’”: Um, because they keep taking Adderall and/or driving under the influence?
”Bacon restaurant shut down for smelling like bacon”: For the love of Miss Piggy, hasn’t this bacon thing been played out? Bacon-wrapped everything? Bacon restaurants. Somebody come up with the new bacon. Something a little less carcinogenic and overpowering would be nice.
”Police: ‘Thong Cape Scooter Man’ not breaking law”: Just like it sounds, the Madison, Wis., man rides a scooter while wearing thong underwear and a cape. Not only is he not breaking the law, if he’s wearing a cape, he must be a Superhero. But we hesitate to speculate on his “super power.”
Be inventive and declare something “functionally obsolete” this week.
Carol MacPherson: 339-3472, cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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