If the spring-like weather is causing you spring-like allergies, you might relate to the allergy medication commercial, in which a man, blundering through his symptomatic morning, plucks two waffles out of a toaster and applies them to his face. (At least that’s what I think I saw.) Let’s sneeze at the headlines.
“Olympia campaign finance reforms languish in election year”: Even the most ungifted psychic had this one pegged.
“Duke and Kentucky might be taking control of another college basketball season”: The pretty-much professional sports teams always end up dominating the actual collegiate ones in a predictable way, like campaign finance reforms languishing in an election year.
“Oregon refuge occupiers left behind guns, explosives and feces, investigators say”: They thought it important to leave a legacy of their philosophy for managing public lands.
“Utah woman says she found a snake head in canned green beans”: Well, the label on the can does say, “Fancy Green Beans.”
“Vatican: Pope was not singling out Trump with his remarks”: Exactly. But Trump, like the person addressed in Carly Simon’s song “You’re So Vain,” thinks that every criticism is about him. (Along with everything else.)
“Can Britney Spears help boost Hillary Clinton with young women?”: What? Young women everywhere would like a little more credit than that, please. Besides, with Beyonce already on board, that’s all the pop star any campaign needs.
“3 Facebook annoyances you can stop right now”: Or you could stop all the annoyances … by not going there any more. Which is modern day blasphemy, I know, but what the heck.
“Traffic tickets could soon bump home insurance rate”: Which by a millionfold nullifies the tiny benefit bestowed by insurance companies for combining your car and house insurance under their one beneficent roof.
“Yes, Parmesan cheese you sprinkle on pasta may contain wood pulp”: Naturally. Because wood pulp is completely “natural,” if not always GMO free, or even cheesy. (Be especially wary if the label says “Fancy” Parmesan.
“Eastside Narcotics Task Force disbanding | Marijuana legalization, lack of funding posed problems”: Never mind the fact that marijuana is not, and never has been, a narcotic. Because it would seem that a task force focused on the illegal use of opioids, heroin, cocaine and meth would have plenty to do.
“Teaching robots to read and understand stories might make them more human”: Hmm. Where exactly is there a shortage of humans and a demand for human-like robots? Talk about causing your own problems. (Creating robots and then being afraid they will take over the world, thereby necessitating strategies like teaching them to read, and hopefully cultivating empathy, instead of killing us.)
Serve something “fancy” to your robot this week to see if those human lessons are taking.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com.
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