Try the Herald Diet today!

Are you sick and tired of carrying around those extra pounds?

Have other diets let you down?

Are you ready to starting losing weight today?

Thanks to the innovative new Herald Diet System, you can! (The newspaper industry is ailing. We’ve got to diversify. We heard diet plans make beaucoup bucks. We want in.)

In devising the Herald Diet System, we used a systematic approach that studied the eating habits of zero people.

Wait, you say, zero people? How does that work? Well, let’s take a look at past research.

The latest headline-making paper on low-carbohydrate diets was based on the eating habits of 21 young adults. The Journal of the American Medical Association published it last month. Researchers split 21 people into three groups. The group on a low-carb diet kept off the most weight.

So evidence for a low-carb diet is being supported by the success of roughly seven people.

Now, we know what you’re saying: That’s like coming up with a plan for U.S. education based on the GPAs of a single study group. The paper made a big splash, though. We can’t argue with results. Our group of zero should be a sensation.

We based the Herald Diet System on the work of Dr. Jules Hirsch, physician-in-chief emeritus at New York’s Rockefeller University, a graduate school devoted to biomedical research. Hirsch spoke to the New York Times about dieting.

He said that a calorie — whether it comes from fat, carbs or protein — is still a calorie. Low-carb dieters lose weight quickly because they drop water weight, he argued. Those diets give “no advantage to the dieters.”

Sounds to us like a window of opportunity for the Herald Diet System!

We based our diet on what Hirsch calls “an inflexible law of physics.” The energy into a system must equal the energy out. If it doesn’t, the system — in this case, your body — changes. Since calories are simply energy, our plan is this: Eat less, exercise more.

It’s that easy! And you can eat what you want on our diet.

“They should eat whatever they normally eat, but eat less,” Hirsch told the Times.

But, you ask, will the Herald Diet System actually keep off the pounds?

Probably not! We want to be totally up front about our success rate, which is abysmal — like, embarrassingly bad. Based on testimonials from our group of zero people, it appears that fad dieters don’t like our plan. They’d rather pay hundreds of dollars for a quick fix.

Don’t be like them, though, and don’t stress out about our awful success rate.

Instead, call now — start not losing weight today.