Maybe the Mariners’ “June Swoon” is evidence that “controlling the strike zone” isn’t quite as easy as it sounds. Let’s look at the headline metrics.
“Rory pulling out of Rio is the death knell for Olympic golf”: The “death knell”? Very dramatic. Doesn’t that deserve some polite applause? Maybe if a enough professional athletes follow suit, actual amateur athletes will once again be able to participate in the international competition designed for … amateur athletes.
“Once labeled invasive, ‘rock snot’ algae now deemed native”: It’s understandable to want to blame “rock snot” on outsiders, but this time we must accept that the invasive rock snot algae is, alas, homegrown.
“Crochet Bernie Sanders makes appearance at Wash. convention”: What a great idea. Everyone should have a crochet doppelganger. A cuddlier version of themselves, that if need be, can be turned into a plant hanger.
“Wagly plans a pack of pet services, under one woof”: The practice of naming “startup” companies with a word that ends in “ly” or “y” (in 2013 The Wall Street Journal identified 161 startups that end in “ly,” “lee” or “li”) has moved to non-internet companies. Just in case anyone is keeping trackly.
“At least 30 Tony Robbins fans hurt walking over hot coals”: You would think that after decades of this particular stunt, so-called “motivational” speakers such as Robbins, could come up with a different, less injurious way to “unleash the power within.” To somehow “overcome your fears” without resorting to fire.
“Jimmy John’s agrees not to enforce non-compete agreement”: Gee, how big of them to not enforce something that definitely would be unenforceable — legally and practically. Jimmy John’s wanted to ban former employees from working “for any nearby business that gets at least 10 percent of its sales from sandwiches for two years after they left.” Uh, OK. Sure. (Unspecific words like “nearby” and “at least” certainly weren’t written by a lawyer. Whose job is it to measure other businesses to calculate if they make 10 percent sales from sandwiches?) Did employees also have to sign non-disclosure agreements about the non-compete agreement?
“How sticky spit helps chameleons catch big meals”: Uh, by just the way it sounds? In which case, just leave that “how” off the start of the headline… (An example of a headline that is out of the zone.)
“Send the kids to drone camp this summer”: Or, send them to crochet camp. OK, that probably sounds old-lady crotchety. But really, drone camp? Don’t they get enough lectures at school? Har har. (In the dictionary, “speak tediously in a dull monotonous tone,” is still the first definition of “drone.”
Control the drone, er, the zone this week.
Carol MacPherson: firstname.lastname@example.org.