A holiday wish list: Fiddlesticks, voodoo and a roll of duct tape

  • Scott M. Johnson / Pro Football Report
  • Thursday, November 22, 2001 9:00pm
  • Sports

Ah, the holiday season. Turkey and dressing evolve into egg nog and mistletoe.

If only it were that simple. Some of us cynics see this time of year for what it really is: five weeks of traffic and shopping.

But we do our holiday duty, too, so let’s take this opportunity on the busiest shopping day of the year to pick out a few gifts for our friends around the NFL.

To Mike Holmgren: A book titled: “Fudge, Fiddlesticks and Forty Other Non-Cusswords to Get You Through the Workday.”

To Dick Jauron: Two four-leaf clovers, three rabbit’s foots and a couple horseshoes. Because the Chicago Bears’ luck has to run out at some point.

To Mike Brown: Time-and-a-half pay, because the Bears’ safety has certainly worked his share of overtime.

To Cris Carter and Kyle Turley: One week at the Mike Holmgren Anger Management Center.

To Ricky Watters: The humility to accept a role as the third-down back.

To Terrell Owens and Steve Mariucci: A copy of the War single, “Why Can’t We Be Friends?”

To the Tampa Bay defense: A roll of duct tape to help defensive tackle Warren Sapp shut up and play.

To Jim Fassel: A phone card, so he can call Lou Piniella and ask him about the dangers of making guarantees.

To Dick Vermeil: A case of insomnia, so he won’t have to keep asking himself why he left the Rams for this.

To Drew Bledsoe: A Tom Brady voodoo doll. It may be the only way to get his job back.

To Ryan Leaf: The Houston Texans, because as long as the league keeps expanding, he’ll always have a job.

To Christian Fauria: A less flawed replay system.

To Chris Chandler’s wife: Earplugs.

To Mike Shanahan: Another wide receiver. Any other wide receiver.

To Nate Newton: Thirteen-hundred pounds of Funions to satisfy those munchies.

To Marty Mornhinweg: Fifty-three bottles of cologne to cover the stench on the Detroit Lions’ sideline.

To Robert Smith and Barry Sanders: An open invitation to pull a Jordanesque comeback, no questions asked.

To the Denver Broncos: Another order of those throwback jerseys, which for our money are much better than the updated version.

To Rod Smart: Love, love, love. We still don’t know who “he” is, but let’s hope he no longer “hate” you.

To the Buffalo Bills and Detroit Lions: The latest bestseller by Bud Selig, “Contraction and How It Will Improve the Sport.”

To Trent Dilfer: Some scenario that would make you the starting quarterback in a playoff game at Baltimore.

To NFL fans: One Thanksgiving without either the Lions or Cowboys.

To Seahawks fans: A new stadium, a new division, and a playoff-caliber team.

Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

Kickoff: 10 a.m. Sunday at Arrowhead Stadium

TV: Ch. 7

Radio: KIRO-AM (710)

Stars to watch: Seahawks – QB Matt Hasselbeck has a 101.3 quarterback rating in the past two games, which is quite an improvement over his 63.4 rating through the first seven games. RB Shaun Alexander has run for 898 yards, which ranks fourth in NFL history among running backs with eight career starts. LB Chad Brown is one sack away from tying his Seahawks season-best of 7 1/2. CB Shawn Springs is just about back at full strength following a hamstring injury in the preseason.

Chiefs – QB Trent Green is one of only four AFC quarterbacks to throw for more than 2,000 yards this season, but he ranks last in quarterback rating (62.6). RB Priest Holmes ranks fifth in the NFL with 782 yards. TE Tony Gonzalez is the best young tight end in the league, and is Kansas City’s main passing weapon. WR Derrick Alexander caught nine passes for 290 yards and three touchdowns in two games against Seattle last season.

Breaking down the game: Shaun Alexander feasted on the Chiefs’ defense last season, breaking out for 74 yards at Kansas City while serving as Ricky Watters’ backup. This time around, Alexander will start. And the Chiefs are much worse against the run.

Seattle is making no secrets regarding its game plan: Feed Alexander the ball as often as possible.

Defensively, the Seahawks will come after quarterback Trent Green, who has an NFL-high 16 interceptions. They’ll need more of a pass rush, or Green might pick them apart.

Arrowhead Stadium has historically been a tough place to play for the Seahawks, who have a 2-17 record there since 1980. The Chiefs are still looking for their first home victory of 2001, and will need some breaks to get it.

If the Seahawks are in a giving mood, Kansas City could sneak away with an upset.

Pick: Chiefs, 17-14.

Injury report: Seahawks – RB Ricky Watters (shoulder) is out; DE Lamar King (calf) is doubtful; FS Marcus Robertson (hamstring), WR Fabien Bownes (concussion) and TE Christian Fauria (ankle) are probable. Chiefs – T Victor Riley (ankle) is out; DT Nate Hobgood-Chittic (ankle), WR Marvin Minnis (ankle) and G Donald Willis (calf) are doubtful; LB Gary Stills (groin) is questionable; LB Lewis Bush (abdomen), DE Duane Clemons (knee) and G Marcus Spears (hip) are probable.

Little-known fact: Kansas City and Miami have not lost more than nine games in a season since 1988, marking the longest current streaks in the league.

Washington (4-5) at Philadelphia (6-3), 10 a.m. Sunday: Wait a second, weren’t the Redskins mathematically eliminated from playoff contention four weeks ago? Somehow these guys are right back in the race, and a win Sunday could well make them the NFC East favorites. The only thing more annoying than Daniel Snyder is a smug Dan Snyder, so let’s hope the Eagles end the run. Pick: Eagles, 27-16.

Chicago (7-2) at Minnesota (4-5), 5:30 p.m. Sunday: Two overtime victories, and then a missed Martin Gramatica field goal. The Bears never seem to run out of Midway miracles. The question is not whether it will happen this week, but how it will happen. Pick: Bears, 20-17.

Tampa Bay (4-5) at St. Louis (8-1), 6 p.m. Monday: After the NFC Championship game two years ago, this looked like a budding rivalry that would go on for years. Remember how well the Bucs defended St. Louis’ unstoppable offense? Remember how Tampa Bay came so close to putting an end to the feel-good story of ‘99? Remember how the Bucs then exploded for 38 points and handed the Rams a loss late last season? Well, fugghedaboudit. Pick: Rams, 31-13.

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