I’m a major league baseball player.
I hit 25 home runs and drove in 90 runs a year ago.
I make $4 million a year. I want to make more. Lots more.
I want to make $10 million a year. But to do that, I’ve got to hit 40 home runs and drive in 120 runs.
That’s quite a jump, but I know it can be done. I see guys do it all the time. The player who lockers next to me went from 30 homers to 55 homers, from 115 RBI to 140 RBI in one year.
I know I’m capable of those kinds of numbers. All I have to do is get stronger.
Some of those fly balls that are being caught on the warning track just need a little boost. A little stimulant.
Do I dare? Do I dare inject my body with performance-enhancing drugs? Do I use steroids?
Why not? A lot of other guys are using.
The player who lockers next to me. He does it. He went from $5 to $12 million a year.
What’s to lose?
I know, they say maybe a few years off your life. But, hey, for that kind of money …
I can set myself up for life. I can be on ESPN every night with those mammoth shots into the center field bleachers. Those third-deck moon blasts.
Look at Bonds. He went from 49 to 73 homers in one year. From 106 to 137 RBI.
Of course, he was clean when he did it. That’s what he says anyway. And there’s no way of knowing because baseball doesn’t check for steroids.
Besides, what if he did use? Doesn’t matter, does it?
That’s what he essentially told the Associated Press last week. Doctors have more important things to do than to worry about what baseball players put in their bodies, he said. Like finding a cure for cancer.
We don’t know that steroids don’t cause cancer, but, what the hell, live fast, die young. And rich. Right, Barry?
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in the major leagues, do as major leaguers do.
Use ‘roids.
Jose Canseco estimates that 85 percent of major leaguers do. Ken Caminiti says it’s not that many. Says it’s more like 50 percent.
Fifty, eighty-five, who’s counting? Everybody’s getting stronger. And richer. That’s the important thing.
Think of the cars you can buy. And the houses you can build. And the gold bracelets and earrings and necklaces you can get for your wife.
And I’ve always wanted a yacht. And with that kind of money, I can get my own airplane. Fly down to Bermuda in the wintertime. Take the family to Vail skiing.
One four-year contract and I’m on Easy Street.
Maybe Leno will invite me on his show. Letterman, too.
If I hit 80 home runs, maybe there’ll be a movie. Let’s see, who would play me? Costner? No, too old. Besides, he’s burned out on baseball movies.
How about Matt Damon? Yeah, he’d be good.
I could hang around the set, get to know all the actors. Maybe they’d give me a bit part.
Maybe I could get in with the Hollywood crowd.
What if Damon won an Oscar? Would I get to go the awards ceremony?
Oh, man, the possibilities are limitless.
Why stop at Bonds’ single-season home run record? I’m still young. I might even go for Aaron’s career mark.
Can I live with that? Can I live with the fact that I used and Aaron didn’t?
Can I go through life with that on my conscience?
Hey, who’s to say everybody in baseball isn’t using?
Why them and not me? I may be the only one in the game that’s clean.
But is it right to use? Is it ethical?
What’s right in America today? What’s ethical?
Besides, most of the public doesn’t know the meaning of the word “ethical.”
That went out with wingtips and the DA haircut.
If a President can play footsie with an intern while making war, what’s wrong with a little steroid use?
The baseball owners claim they don’t like it, but they can’t do anything about it without the players’ approval. And do you really think the owners want to crack down? Home runs put fannies in the seats. And bucks in the owners’ pockets.
We’re all in this together. The owners and the players make money. And the fans get a charge out of all those buzzbombs flying out ballparks.
Caminiti used and abused drugs, alcohol and steroids.
“I’ve made a ton of mistakes,” he told the AP. “I don’t think using steroids is one of them.”
See. He feels no remorse. No shame. And why should he? ‘Roids got him an MVP award.
It all looks the same in the record book.
You want to keep up with the crowd, you’ve got to partake.
It really isn’t that difficult a decision.
Is it?
Talk to us
> Give us your news tips.
> Send us a letter to the editor.
> More Herald contact information.