TODAY’S LINEUP
A daily look at the top stories in this morning’s edition of The Herald:
1. Apparently, you don’t need a license to drive fast
A 13-year-old Snohomish County kid is already chasing his NASCAR dreams — and not just at the video arcade. Does this mean 15-year-olds will get to vote soon? “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your Commander-In-Chief … President Jonas!”
2. Going over the Middleton
The Huskies have a massive tight end who hasn’t always been dedicated to his craft and is drawing the interest of NFL scouts. Sounds like someone from their recent past. Hope the GPS in Kavario Middleton’s car doesn’t lead him onto the front lawn of a nursing home.
3. Big Brother is watching you
Those 90-something, beady little eyes in the front office aren’t the only ones focused on Snohomish native Tom Cable this week. The Oakland Raiders coach is being carefully watched by the Big Kahuna himself, Roger Goodell, as his assault case gets investigated. And speaking of reprehensible behavior, does anybody have an eye on what JaMarcus Russell is doing on the field?
4. Pretty soon, Hasselbeck’s going to start the game by taking a knee
The Seahawks are looking for a big body — again — after Walter Jones’s backup’s backup got placed on IR. Candidate must be at least 6-foot-5, with massive frame and some NFL experience. Think Tim Ruskell still has Mike Holmgren’s number on speed dial?.
THE WARMUP PITCH Injuries jumble AFC power structure
The possibility exists for a shift in power in the AFC, thanks to a couple of key injuries. Pittsburgh defensive end Aaron Smith has been lost for the season, while the Colts will be without kicker Adam Vinatieri for four to eight weeks. Now, if only Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, the Denver defense, the San Diego offense, Ben Roethlisberger, the West Coast, the East Coast, the Gulf Coast and most of the Midwest would go away … then Eric Mangini’s Browns might have a chance.
As long as one of their names doesn’t rhyme with Choba Jamberlain
The Yanks are so confident in their 1-2-3 punch of Sabathia-Burnett-Pettitte that they’re thinking about going with a three-man rotation in the ALCS. Word out of Seattle is that the M’s thought about going with a three-man batting lineup this season, but they couldn’t find three guys who could hit.
Does this mean the Jim Zorn era will be worth $4 million?
The ugly divorce between Kentucky and former basketball coach Billy Gillespie was finalized this week, thanks to a lawsuit that awarded the ex-coach $2.8 million. That’s about $1.4 million per underachieving season. And the punishment doesn’t even count the future probation the Wildcats are sure to go on once the Calipari Era gets into full swing.
If only Tom Cable could be this lucky
The so-called punishment for New Mexico football coach Mike Locksley allegedly hitting an assistant was that he doesn’t have to coach the 0-5 Lobos this week. Had Tyrone Willingham known, he might’ve knocked out his entire defensive staff.
CURVE BALLS
Here’s why The Closer’s only exercise involves a couch and a remote control
A Sacramento Kings player was injured while using — get this — an exercise ball. It wasn’t the King of Snohomish County and it didn’t have anything to do with Kaz Sasaki’s suitcase, either. Francisco Garcia has a six-pack stomach and a cast. The Closer? He’s got a Andy Reid’s body but can actually carry a six-pack in each hand. You do the math, Isaac Newton.
The only cougars who know how to play football are 40-year old … men
A 40-year-old future Hall of Famer has come out of retirement … again. And he’s not wearing purple. Junior Seau is back with the Patriots. And let’s be honest here: Was The Closer the only one who didn’t even know he’d been gone? Oh, and speaking of old men playing football, it turns out former Husky great Tony Parrish is still going strong … in the UFL. Didn’t realize it, but the “other” football league kicked off recently with a big game from JP Losman. One of his Las Vegas Locomotives teammates is a defensive player named Joe Porter, but until it’s THAT Joe Porter, The Closer ain’t interested.
Most Buffalo Bills wait until Super Bowl Sunday to go missing
First, T.O. complains about the unfair treatment of the media. Now word that a statue of former Bills great Thurman Thomas temporarily went missing. Since when did Buffalo become the toughest section of New York state? Looks like Losman got out at the right time.
Maybe they should call it “Powder Keg” football
Ask The Closer what his idea of heaven is, and it might be this: Yes, scantily-clad women playing football and fighting. Mix in a chicken-fried steak, and The Closer would happily die there.
THE RUNDOWN
Whether it’s Tom Cable or New Mexico’s Mike Locksley, punching coaches are all the rage in sports these days. But it’s nothing new. Here is a look at some of our favorite altercations involving coaches from the past:
1. Going Spree on a necktie: Was it us, or did you find yourself constantly staring at P.J. Carlesimo’s neckline during his short tenure as the Sonics’ last coach? Even if Carlesimo returns as an NBA head coach (cue the flying pigs) and wins a world championship (now they’re flying over a frozen hell), P.J. will always be known as the guy that got strangled by Latrell Sprewell.
2. Does this mean you’re not my Buddy?: For a few years there, The Closer thought Buddy Ryan’s famed 46 defense had something to do with how many of Kevin Gilbride’s teeth he tried to knock out. When the Houston Oilers’ defensive coordinator went all Jerry Springer on the Oilers’ offensive coordinator, it made for one of the best sideline film clips of all time.
3. Next time, he’ll try to drop the ball: Ohio State coach Woody Hayes didn’t take too kindly to an interception by a Clemson linebacker Charlie Bauman in the 1978 Gator Bowl. But instead of slugging his quarterback, Hayes slugged the defender — and, incidentally, sucker-punched his own legacy.
4. “Have another donut, you fat pig”: Former NHL coach Jim Schoenfeld didn’t quite cross the line in 1988, when he restrained himself from throwing a punch at referee Don Koharski. But Schoenfeld landed a more legendary blow when he was caught on camera calling Koharski a “fat pig” in the tunnel.
5. The Chaney meltdown: Temple coach Don Chaney never got close enough to get his hands on UMass rival John Calipari, but he certainly threatened to. After his Owls lost to UMass in 1994, Chaney broke into Calipari’s post-game press conference and threatened to “kill you.” In hindsight, Chaney could have saved the Memphis program a lot of trouble.
Contact The Closer at inthebullpen@heraldnet.com.
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