Letting go, moving on, saying sorry

So much still baffles me. I still have so many questions.

Why did I do it? What was I thinking? Where did I go so very wrong?

I knew I wasn’t writing as well as I could. I knew my energy wasn’t at a level where it should have been. I knew some longstanding familial issues had brought more than a little stress into my life, stress that I allowed to multiply and affect me in ways I simply could not have imagined.

But to lift someone else’s work? That’s Sin No. 1 in the profession I love. I don’t expect anyone to understand. I don’t understand, either.

Now, I’m on the outside, looking in. And that is the way it should be.

I resigned last week because I damaged this newspaper’s credibility. I could have drawn it out during a six-week suspension, but I knew that even if by some miracle I was allowed back, suspicion’s dark cloud would never leave. Better to end it now and pursue the next phase of my life.

I’ve learned many things these past few weeks. I’ve learned how damaging stress can be. I’ve learned that my life is fuller than I’d even imagined with friends and family who love me. I’ve learned what it is to hit bottom.

Because I did. I hurt so many people I care about. I hurt people I’ve never met. And I hurt this newspaper.

In college, this was the newspaper at which I wanted to work. In January 2005, I’d finally reached the job I’d wanted since I got into this business 21 years ago. I was sports columnist at the paper I loved. I’d made it.

Then why did I throw it all away? I don’t know yet. I hope to. I hope therapy will help me understand. I suspect the answer lies somewhere in the fact that, as I wrote my editor of my plans to resign, I could feel stress flow out of me. At that moment, I felt better than I had in months.

But that’s not saying much. The combination of family issues and job pressures I didn’t know I’d even felt led me to behavior that just wasn’t me. I’d largely withdrawn socially. I’d have crying jags. My digestion was inconsistent. My diet was a joke. I slept fitfully. Writing, which formerly was a snap, had become progressively more difficult for me. Much of the time I spent alone in my apartment with the lights off, worrying about family and other issues.

My job as sports columnist required me to be take a very visible role in the community. Even in Snohomish County there’s a spotlight. I was never, ever comfortable in that role. I’m comfortable in the role of an observer, preferably from a seat in the back of the room. I didn’t react well at all in my status as the Sports section’s voice.

Then, too was the issue of that voice. Much of the time, I took on the character of the tough guy, the arrogant know-it-all not afraid to blast away. That’s not me. I wrote a column calling for the firing of former Mariners manager John McLaren. It bothered me for weeks. I liked him and here I was making judgments on his future. I don’t have the stomach for that kind of insensitivity.

I’m not using any of this as an excuse. I take full responsibility for what happened. I did it. But I will tell you that none of it would have occurred had I been operating at anywhere near full capacity.

The paper did what it had to and called me on my mistake. I hold no ill feelings against anyone. My exit is the proper outcome. I wish none of this had happened. I wish I could go back in time and make proper decisions. But I can’t. I love the paper. I love the people working there. I love the profession. Readers were reactive and fun. But it’s time to move on to the next adventure.

Lord willing, that will be in teaching school. Elementary education is something that’s been in my mind for years. Most of my family members were teachers. Some of my best friends are teachers. I love the profession. I have great respect for educators. I want to be a part of all the good they do.

But before that, I need to work on me. I need to learn how to deal with stress and anxiety. I need to regain my confidence and self-esteem. I need to forgive myself.

My hope is that former colleagues, friends, family and you readers can someday forgive me as well. As I told my bosses, I’m not a bad person; I’m a good person who needs help. And I’m getting help. I’m taking the necessary steps.

I pray that it all helps me become a better person, better able to cope with life’s misfortunes.

John Sleeper resigned as The Herald’s sports columnist on Thursday.