Cleaning up the mess Bavasi made

TODAY’S LINEUP

A look at the top sports stories in today’s edition of The Herald:

1. A reason to change the name of this state to Zduriencik

The M’s trade for Cliff Lee is almost official, and at least one national baseball expert called the deal a “heist” for Seattle. The way Jack Zduriencik has cleaned up Bill Bavasi’s mess over the past couple of years, we’re ready to call the Bavasi-for-Mr. Z swap the heist of the decade.

2. And speaking of bums, how about that O-line?

Seahawks receiver Nate Burleson is nursing a bum ankle, and that’s only a small part of his team’s problems right now. What really ails this team is that it’s been playing like an NFC West team in recent years.

3. In the NFL, they don’t let the KJR hangers-on in the hotel lobbies

Jake Locker’s father, Scott, said the University of Washington quarterback wanted one more year of the college experience, which is why the sure-fire first-round draft pick put off the NFL draft. The Closer thinks visiting a college campus on bye weekends and in the spring would be an even better experience with $40 million in your pocket.

4. Every 17-year-old kid’s nightmare

The Everett Silvertips are looking for a third wheel, and we don’t think they’re talking about someone to accompany these teenagers on Friday night dates. With Shane Harper and Chris Langkow getting the job done, the Tips are looking for the next Jari Kurri … which may end up being Jari Kurri’s grandson, for all we know.

5. The only thing they can’t do is spell

Newest Mariner Chone Figgins was introduced to the media on Tuesday, and the press conference opened with him introducing his parents. We were kind of hoping Sean, I mean Chone, would introduce us to a couple of guys named Vladimir and Ervin who had decided to follow his lead to Seattle. Oh, well. We’ll have to settle for clipping the wings of one Angel.

THE WARMUP PITCH

Well, he certainly was a player

Tiger Woods has been named The Associated Press athlete of the decade. We just wish he had stayed on his own fairway. As for Tiger-gate, the intriguing storylines continue with news that one of his former doctors was discovered to have human growth hormone drugs. With steroids and scantily-clad women, golf has become almost as exciting as all-star wrestling. Just hope we don’t have to see John Daly in tights.

Kathy Holmgren is regretting that year of rediscovery right about now

Former Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren could be taking his big show to Cleveland. While Big Mike sees the city as a bigger Green Bay, only with crime and graffiti, wife Kathy was quoted as saying she’ll be waiting for him in Seattle whenever Holmgren decides to re-retire.

A reason to hope Nowitzki goes off for 50

The Daily Oklahoman is running amok with the NBA’s big basketball rivalry. The Stolen Thunder and Dallas Mavericks play tonight, and it’s the only time Mark Cuban has ever been considered the classiest owner in the building.

They must not have had David Greene’s phone number

The Oakland Raiders are actually considering starting ex-Seahawk Charlie Frye this Sunday, which shows just how little faith they have in JaMarcus Russell. In a related story, Tom Cable broke down in tears when he heard Jake Locker was returning to UW.

Dick Vitale got so excited that they had to give him a Gatorade bath

While vacationing Cameron Crazies watched from their living rooms with faces painted, John Scheyer led the No. 7 Duke basketball team to a drubbing of Gardner-Webb on Tuesday night. As amazing as Scheyer’s 36-point performance was, the story of teammate Andre Dawkins was even more inspiring.

CURVE BALLS

The wild and wacky news from the world of sports …

Despite investment banking fantasy league team, Tom Brady still has his job

A bunch of financial nerds in Texas got whacked because of their fantasy football league. Their boss found out one of them drafted T.J. Duckett and decided he couldn’t be trusted with other people’s money.

So that’s why we heard those muffled chants of “Stop, team, stop!”

A male cheerleader at the University of Missouri got jumped by two women’s basketball players who left him with a few injuries, not the least of which was a bruised ego. Apparently, he didn’t have enough spirit. How about you?

Just don’t do this during breakfast

The New York Daily News has come up with some of the most gruesome injuries in sports, and the photos aren’t always pretty. The Closer was surprised that the Seahawks didn’t make the list. Nothing is more gruesome than those O-linemen trying to impersonate injured Pro Bowler Walter Jones.

Why Tiger has a future career as a politician

In his last known interview, Tiger Woods apparently waxed poetic about the importance of family. In an interview conducted later that day, Jerome James talked about the importance of staying in shape.

THE RUNDOWN

Kenji Johjima and Adrian Beltre are gone, Cliff Lee and Chone Figgins are here. The M’s offseason couldn’t get much better … could it? Here are five more moves that would put a nice little Christmas bow on the hot stove league:

5. Bring back The Kid: Yeah, we know that Ken Griffey Jr. re-signed for one more season. But we don’t want the 40-year-old version. We want the thin, backward-hat-wearing kid who could pop off 50 homers without breaking a sweat.

4. Slip Kanekoa’s jersey into Mark’s suitcase: The M’s signed a big name last week … a big last name. Minor league reliever Kanekoa Texeira — not big-time slugger Mark Teixeira — was added to the mix. Hopefully not for the same salary.

3. New home for the Holliday: Free-agent Matt Holliday sure would look good in left field. Just not when he’s chasing down fly balls at Safeco. OK, so at least he’d look good in the batter’s box.

2. Head east … Far East: OK, so maybe the Johjima experiment didn’t work out so well. But in Ichiro and Kazuhiro Sasaki, the M’s have had some luck with Japanese players. Couldn’t there be a power-hitting third baseman and/or a flame-throwing setup man over there?

1. Extend, extend, extend: The M’s have a nice 1-2 punch in Felix Hernandez and Cliff Lee … for now. Both are scheduled to become free agents after the 2010 season, so how about locking at least one — and hopefully two — of them for the long term?

Contact The Closer at inthebullpen@heraldnet.com.